


When Stars Fade

by SpamMusubiii



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:48:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24911086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpamMusubiii/pseuds/SpamMusubiii
Summary: Because it's when we get old where we realize that we're probably not really good enough as we thought we were. Gakushū is experiencing a burnout upon entering high school, with no one left but only Karma Akabane to cling onto.
Relationships: Akabane Karma & Asano Gakushuu, Akabane Karma/Asano Gakushuu
Comments: 17
Kudos: 159





	1. Chapter 1

_"This dream isn't feeling sweet. We're reeling through the midnight streets. And I've never felt more alone, it feels so scary getting old."_

_Ribs by Lorde, 2016_

* * *

He worked hard for everything, he was certain of it. He spent his entire summer vacation studying in advance, only to place sixth overall in their Preliminary Examination. It's a shame that he didn't even make it to the Top Five.

Where did he go wrong?

The worse part is, Akabane managed to place two ranks above him. And there they thought that only the two of them would be vying for the top spot when that didn't turn out to be the case, not even the slightest. Neither of them saw this coming. How could the other be so complacent about this?

He didn't even notice it until the results came out. He monitored every activity there is, his mistakes were so minor that they only ranged from one to three mistakes. He occasionally scored full marks from here and there as it should be. He used to be the top student consistently back then after all.

Now, he just doesn't understand why.

Why?

Perhaps he focused on himself too much that he didn't notice how impeccable the others were. Were they really? Maybe he couldn't really blame them, there was an influx of transferees, foreign students even, since it's their first year in high school.

That's when it all spiraled down for him. After that incident, he made a vow to himself to strive harder, but he only ended up striving hard without amounting to anything.

Now. Now he was waiting for the outcome of their Midterms Examination. He aimlessly paced back and forth across the hallway during their lunch break, anxiously eyeing the bulletin board near the faculty room from time to time to check if the results were already out.

Students immediately flocked in the area where he stood once the door finally opened. Incessant noise and chatters soon reverberated through the hallways, tension filling in the atmosphere. Their professor clung the scrolls which contained the Midterm Rankings to his elbow. Soon enough, the professor proceeded to pin them to the bulletin board for everyone else to see.

Asano warily scanned through the list and searched for his name, which only took him a few seconds.

"I see. Eleventh." He mused to himself.

He didn't even bother checking the ranks of his other classmates. His face was void of expression but his mind was in deep turmoil. A storm began to brew inside him. He could start to feel his chest constrict against his will, while tears were almost in the brink of falling. He quickly escaped the scene as he disappeared through the crowds to further prevent himself from losing control.

Control. He was always in control. He always came in first until his last finals in Junior High. He only failed once. But now, he was failing at an alarming rate.

Eleventh. Now he wasn't even in the Top Ten. How did he plummet down far to the bottom so steeply like that?

* * *

Akabane couldn't care less about his current class standing. It may not be the first spot he initially aimed for, but at least he was still in fifth place. He only fell one ranking below from the Preliminaries, it couldn't be that bad. He wanted to treat himself after class, perhaps a cup of Strawberry Gelato and some Katsu Burger would make his efforts for the semester go appreciated.

Moments after contemplating, the gaze of his very own pair of mercurial eyes finally left the bulletin board and accidentally made its way to another pair of amethyst eyes that were glistening in tears. His jaw slightly dropped open at the realization. He took a quick glance back to the list of rankings to check his name on it, he then glanced back at him only to find out that he was already long gone.

* * *

Asano didn't know where else to go. He felt discouraged to attend the remaining afternoon classes after their lunch break. But at the same time, he felt scared to cut and skip classes. He's never done any school violation in his entire life before. With that, his thoughts unintentionally switched to Akabane. The boy was doing all sorts of violation and yet his grades were still exemplary given his previous ranking. He wondered what his rank was right now? He wondered how Akabane could remain so nonchalant and still be able to score full marks.

Unlike him, he had to work hard for that while carrying immense pressure that felt comparable to the weight of the world resting on his shoulders. This is when it all began to spiral down for him. He strived hard only to end up not meeting any of his expectations. He went from being the smartest and most talented student to just a mere nobody. No one even voted for him during the elections after the Preliminaries. Of course, how could they? He didn't even secure a spot in the Student Council this time around and he didn't bother to ask himself why. Also, almost everyone he knew in Middle School already left. They were already four months into the school year and yet no one eventually stayed with him. He thought that maybe it was for the best to not have any peers for the entire school year so that he could focus more on his studies.

But that was all for nothing.

It all happened so quickly. He wondered how long he could keep up with it for more years of education to come ahead of him.

* * *

Eventually, the rivalry between him and Akabane ceased to exist. With what's happening to Asano right now, Akabane would've used it as leverage, as a vantage point to spite and provoke him out of fun. But even Akabane, the most devious delinquent back in Middle School, couldn't bring himself to do it. It's not that he pitied him or anything, it's just that he didn't care.

It's just that he didn't care until his gaze met those glistening pair of amethyst eyes in front of the bulletin board a while ago.

"Here." He calmly said as he stuck out his arm and held out a carton of strawberry milk to Asano, who mindlessly sat on his desk beside the window with a blank stare. The latter was snapped away from his thoughts from the moment Akabane stood by his side. He blinked several times before he acknowledged his presence.

"What?" He bluntly asked Akabane as he narrowed his gaze. They barely interacted with one another and now the former 3-E student just casually approached him out of nowhere.

"Are you... okay?" Akabane carefully asked him without any trace of concern. The moment those words came out of his mouth, he immediately knew that he made the wrong decision.

That was probably it. That was Asano's breaking point. The dam finally broke and all it took was one stupid question about how he felt from none other than Akabane himself. He abruptly stood up and slung his bag onto his shoulder, snatched the strawberry milk from Akabane, and stormed off.

He's finally doing it. He's skipping classes for the first time ever in his life because he felt... bad. That and he probably looked stupid while he drank the strawberry milk in tears as he strode across the hallway.

But he didn't care about that anymore.

"I guess not..." Karma muttered to himself while he stared at his empty palm that held the carton of strawberry milk just a few seconds ago.

Should he just leave him be and give him some space? Should he follow him? Why is he even asking himself these questions? It was bewildering, seeing Asano act that way. It was uncharacteristic of him. He never thought the day would come he'd see him like that. He liked it better when that stuck-up asshole was over-competitive, at least it didn't disturb or bother him that much.

* * *

"It's not like it's the end of the world, right?" Asano heard a familiar voice utter from behind as he leaned onto the rails of the main building's rooftop. The mild breeze caressed his cheeks that still stung from his now dried up tears. His soft, strawberry blonde locks flew gently with the wind, slightly obstructing his view of the hilltop where the former worn out, End Classroom once stood.

Without turning around, he bitterly spat back, "Well what do you know about it?"

Asano heard Akabane take a few steps closer. The delinquent told him with an irritated undertone in his voice, "For fuck's sake, you're eleventh out of three hundred students. That's still gotta be something."

Was... was that just a form of consolation? What was Akabane even trying to do? What is his ulterior motive behind this? He shrugged off that annoying feeling of being confused and tried to drive him away, "And you're talking to me because?"

Akabane sighed off coolly. He's sure that it's going to take more than this to break through his tough exterior. Why was he even getting himself involved in this anyway?Why was he even trying? He raised an eyebrow and asked him back, "You weren't planning to kill yourself, were you?"

Asano finally turned around to face him and barked out a humorless laugh in response, "Tch. Akabane, it appears that you're smarter than me now, so why don't you go figure that out for yourself?"

After that, Asano brushed past by Akabane, slightly bumping his shoulder in the process of doing so. He stopped right at his tracks when he was just a few steps away from Akabane. Without facing back, his stern expression slightly softened as he muttered a half-hearted, "Thanks for the strawberry milk."

Akabane didn't respond to that. Instead, he kept his silence and watched Asano disappear as he stood idly at the rooftop. The winds have gradually increased their intensity, and the clouds were now tainted with blotches of light-grayish hues.

He didn't know what to do anymore. Asano didn't know what to do anymore.

Perhaps they were both going to skip classes today.


	2. In the Sunset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two vulnerable souls find shelter inside the abandoned 3-E building amidst the pouring rain.

_"We're never done with killing time_

_Can I kill it with you?_

_'Til the veins run red and blue_

_You pick me up and take me home again_

_Head out the window again_

_We're hollow like the bottles that we drain"_

_\- 400 Lux by Lorde_

* * *

"Asano-kun, the principal's office requests your presence immediately." The professor announced, "Asano-kun." The professor said louder.

His head was up in the clouds again, Asano blinked several times upon noticing that his name was being called. "I-I... I'm sorry, I didn't hear the question, sir." He stuttered.

"The principal wants to see you now. You're excused for the rest of the time period."

Asano could feel his heart race. Not only that, he felt quite embarrassed that everyone around him was well aware of the fact that he wasn't paying attention the entire time. He silently stood up from his desk, gazing downwards as he made his way to the back door.

"Uh oh, looks like someone's in trouble..." Akabane teased with a whisper as Asano walked past by his seat, the latter couldn't help but ball his fist and clench his jaw in sheer annoyance, the delinquent didn't have to add any further embarrassment on his end.

Although since Akabane already did mention it, he couldn't take the thought off of his mind now. Well, at least somehow. Was he really in trouble? He loathed the feeling of cluelessness so much, and the fact that his father wouldn't be the person inside the principal's office anymore doesn't help ease the situation at all.

Upon arriving right in front of the office's door, he took a few deep breaths and shook his hands vigorously to release some unwanted tension. He knocked gently before he went right in.

"Good afternoon, Seito-san." He greeted first.

"Good afternoon, Asano-kun. Please take a seat." The new chairman greeted back. He then propped his elbows on the table and interlaced his fingers together as he continued speaking, "I'll get directly to the point. It was unfortunate to hear that you fell out of the Top Ten Rankings. Judging by the new rules that the board has agreed upon at the beginning of this school year, we deeply regret to revoke your scholarship. Based on the new rules, once you're out of the scholarship list, you may never return back even if you regain your previous ranking, and this goes on for the succeeding years within your stay in the institution." Seito paused briefly after deliberately explaining, putting into consideration to maybe offer Asano a few words of consolation, "I know this is a lot to process, but I'm honestly sorry to say that I can't do anything about this."

"I understand, Seito-san. It's... it's my fault anyway for not focusing on my studies well." Asano begrudgingly admitted. And it hurt him to blurt out an outright lie. Badly. It's as if the universe was telling him that maybe he wasn't really even good enough to begin with, that no matter how hard he tried, he'll never amount to anything because effort doesn't equate to intelligence.

He kept thinking that maybe all this time, everything he's ever achieved was the result of mere diligence, not because he was gifted or smart as everyone thought.

"Anyways, here's a notice letter that needs the signature of your parent. Just give it to your homeroom adviser once you're done. Have a nice day ahead."

Asano stood up, forcing a courteous smile as he bowed before he left.

He didn't know what to do next from there.

His father wouldn't be too pleased to hear any of this, especially that he would now have to start paying for his tuition fee when he's still starting his new cram school. That on top of incurring a huge financial loss from the controversy and losing his position as the chairman.

He's also beginning to lose hope... in everything.

What's the point of regaining his position back in the ranks anyway? He just wanted to go home and let loose... for once. He also didn't care if this is going to be the second time he'll be skipping classes. He's growing more tired and tired each day, and it's not like he's getting any younger.

To be frank, these wild thoughts are taking a toll on him these days. He felt... frightened. Sometimes, he gets this fleeting glimpse of the future, the fear of getting old without amounting to anything, it was daunting.

* * *

"Hey smartass, where are you going?" He heard a familiar voice call him from behind as he walked through the empty hallway.

He turned around only to see the arrogant redhead across the other end of the hallway, with his signature smirk in full display that he wanted to slap off of his face. "None of your business, Akabane." He told him dismissively and continued walking away.

The delinquent ran and kept pace with him until he was already a few steps behind, "So you're skipping classes now too, huh? Well, that's fun. We're skipping buddies now." Karma joked lightly.

"I'm... tired. I just... am. So stop bugging me!" He stopped in his tracks and muttered irately before he abruptly turned around that they almost bumped into one another, "No matter how hard I try, I just can't get anything right anymore and I'm very sick of it!" Appalled by his sudden outburst, he let out a frustrated sigh and tried to calm himself down, "Why am I even explaining myself to you?" He scoffed.

What happened next made him lost for words.

Akabane moved closer, his face devoid of any expression. He grabbed Asano by the collar and casually pulled him into an embrace like it was nothing to him.

"What... what are you doing?" Asano found himself stumbling upon words. Having received no response at all from the delinquent aside from a gentle rub on his back, probably as a form of consolation, he struggled to wriggle himself free.

"L..let go of me!" He demanded in between labored breaths, but it was futile as Karma further wrapped his arms even tighter around him.

This is bad. Real bad. The next thing he knew, he wasn't able to control himself any further. He couldn't believe he let himself go off like that for the second time around.

"I hate you." He hissed in tears while he balled his fists and weakly punched Akabane several times in the back, "I fucking hate you!" He gritted his teeth as hot tears flowed freely and stung his cheeks before they fell onto Akabane's shoulder. For a few seconds, they stayed that way, that until Karma decided to finally let him go.

Asano could feel his legs trembling after his unexpected breakdown, so he leaned onto a nearby wall and immediately wiped his tears as he tried to regain his composure. Meanwhile, Akabane was preoccupied on finding something inside his bag.

He held out another carton of strawberry milk to Asano's chest, the latter confusedly blinked in response before he reluctantly took it.

"See you later. Hope you feel better soon." He casually told him while his hands idly rested inside his pockets before he finally left like nothing ever happened.

Asano stared down on the item he held in his hand, a residual tear gradually fell on it before he muttered a soft, "Thank you..."

What was that supposed to mean?

* * *

By the time he came home, he noticed that Gakuhou had left a note on the kitchen counter. It was a relief to know that his father wouldn't be home until late evening, at least luck sided with him for even just a small fraction of the day. He went straight to his room and laid down passively on his bed, staring blankly at the ceiling as he contemplated what he should do about the notice letter.

He just didn't want to feel like... a burden.

He still couldn't forget how Gakuhou hit him ruthlessly in front of the entire Class 3-A without hesitation. What his father might even do to him now is very unthinkable to him, especially when he finds out that he's not on the top rankings anymore, and to a greater extent, falling out of the top ten while losing his scholarship.

He previously told himself that he wanted to give up. But then, does he really have a choice here?

A sheen of sweat began to become visible on his forehead as he quickly got out of bed and looked frantically for the notice letter.

He bit his lip and stopped briefly before he forged his father's signature, his hands were trembling like crazy out of fear. He balled his fists to cancel out the tremors so he could finally get this over with. He felt fortunate enough that his father was so occupied with establishing a new cram school that he hasn't talked to him in a while about his grades yet. He was certain that his father was still confident about what he's capable of, that's why he's not supposed to know any of this.

He'll find a way.

He has to, one way or another.

* * *

Asano became unaware of the time, several hours were laid into waste as he did nothing but lay idly in bed wide awake. The next thing he knew, he heard the door slowly open.

"I bought some dinner, have you eaten already?" Gakuhou asked.

"So you care?" Gakushū thought to himself as he sat straight up on his bed. He gulped and uttered out a lie effortlessly, "Yeah, I'm about to sleep already. I have to go to classes earlier tomorrow for some group project we're working on."

"I see." The former chairman briefly responded as expected, they had a nonexistent father-son relationship after all.

"Asano-kun," Gakuhou called once more.

Gakushū tilted his head up in response, "Yes, sir?"

"Do well in school, I'm counting on you." He said.

It almost sounded... encouraging. It sounded like his father was sincere about something for once. And he couldn't help but feel his chest cramp up in guilt. He nodded silently before the man finally left. He was up the whole night studying again. Yes, he knows it was probably no use. Yes, he hated himself even more by the day.

But then, he decided to give himself another chance.

* * *

"Asano-kun." He heard someone call his name but everything was just too hazy that he could barely feel anything, "Asano-kun." The voice repeated even louder.

"Would someone please wake him up." The professor requested, now with a hint of irritation in his voice.

Karma, who sat behind him, slightly stood up from his seat and gave him quite a strong push on the shoulder. It was successful, for Asano immediately blinked his eyes wide open and jolted up straight from his previously slouched position.

"I don't need anyone sleeping in my class, is that understood?" The professor told him sternly.

"I'm sorry, it won't happen again, sir." Asano briefly stood up and apologized with a bow.

"By the way, hand me the notice letter now." The professor demanded. Asano quickly scrambled his hands inside his bag to find it, only to realize later on that it wasn't there.

He hated it. He hated being humiliated in front of everybody. The feeling of several unwanted stares pervasively lingering in the atmosphere, it was unnerving. He kept his gaze glued to the ground as he reluctantly admitted his mistake, "I... I forgot it at home, sir."

He couldn't help but cringe as the professor began to scold him, "The last thing we want in this class is someone who's not paying attention, and on top of that, an irresponsible one. Now sit down."

With that, another bad day went on, one day on top of another since he ever started high school. It was mundane, but he was getting used to it.

* * *

"Hey, smart-ass, where the hell are you going? The cafeteria's that way."

"My whereabouts are none of your business," Asano told Karma off dismissively, but the latter was rather persistent.

"Come on, let's eat lunch together. I'm starving like hell." He urged.

"Look, Akabane. Stop talking to me find someone else to pester. And also, don't treat me like some sort of pity case." Asano spat.

"Who says I pity you? I just want some company and you seem to be the closest person I know here." Karma retorted.

Asano failed to conceal the embarrassment as his cheeks slightly flushed in response. Having no choice left, he couldn't help but shrug his shoulders and concede with a sigh, "I'm skipping classes. Now what?"

Karma playfully patted him on the back and blatantly placed his arm across his shoulders, "That's great. Let's go."

Asano awkwardly tagged along with him until they reached the main entrance, but the rain prevented both of them from going any further. With that, he began to look for the compact umbrella inside his bag when he caught a glimpse of Karma blankly staring outside.

"You don't have one?" He asked.

The delinquent quietly shook his head in response.

"Then I can share it with you." Asano readily offered, it was about time he returned the favor to Akabane for somehow keeping what's little left of his sanity at bay for the past few days.

"What are you..." his voice trailed off as he intently watched Akabane walk away and get drenched in the rain without a care in the world, his arms spread wide open as he spun wildly out in the open with a radiant smile on his face. A smile so radiant that made him forgot about everything, even for a little while.

Although he did notice that something was a little... off. Were those... were those bruises suddenly showing up on Akabane's face?

Asano was snapped away from his thoughts as Akabane snatched his umbrella away from him and threw it away to the ground. The redhead then grabbed his hand next and pulled him towards the pouring rain with him.

"Just let go," Karma told him as they began to run while holding onto one another.

Asano felt... confused.

There was just so much going on in his head. The next thing he knew, he was crying like crazy, but it didn't matter, the rain was there to conceal his tears anyway.

Karma kept running until they finally found cover inside the abandoned 3-E building. Asano began to take off his blazer and wrung it dry. While doing that, he couldn't help but turn around to see what Akabane was doing, only to find him staring off into space. That's probably the first time he saw him do that. It was... uncharacteristic of him. Weirdly enough as it may be, he continued to discreetly observe him while he busily kept himself dry.

Honest to say, he found the delinquent very... intriguing. Minutes have probably passed by now, and Asano could already feel the raindrops dry up on his face, so how come that Karma's cheeks still remained wet? He kept looking at him nonetheless, very carefully, that until he finally realized something.

He was probably crying. He never knew Karma Akabane was even capable of crying.

He kept looking at those bruises that marred his pale skin, they looked like orchids sporadically blooming across a barren, frozen wasteland. Well, if that was even possible. Then his tousled, red locks reminded him of roses. There was so much going on, Karma was just an abandoned garden in disarray. Chaotic, but still irresistible to look at. A part of him longed to understand him.

No. This felt very wrong. How can he even find this... beautiful? He didn't even wonder how the hell he got those, the boy was a delinquent after all.

Asano balled his fists. He wanted to return the favor to him. Badly. But who was he to do that? Both he and Karma were never even close to begin with, they were mere rivals at best. He wanted to return the favor and hug him tight too like it was nothing to him.

But then, who was he to do that?

Karma gasped, eyes wide open as he felt Asano's arms wrap around him from behind, although it was only short-lived. Yes, it was just short-lived, but that didn't matter to him. He turned around only to see Asano shying away and avoiding his gaze.

So then he grabbed two bottles of liquor which he hid inside the drawer beneath Koro-sensei's desk. He opened them with the bottle opener he kept in there as well. He offered one to Asano before he sat limply on the floor with a thud and drank.

Asano didn't know what to do with it. He never drank liquor before, and it certainly wouldn't look any good if his father would find out about it. Without saying a word, he simply sat down beside Karma. It's been quiet ever since they came in, well, ever since Karma took his hand before they ran towards here.

His eyes grew wide as he watched the boy drown himself out with alcohol, and halfway through the bottle, Karma was now drowning in tears. This time, he was sobbing. The delinquent looked so... scared. His hands were trembling all over that he could barely pour the liquor into his mouth without making quite a mess.

With that, Asano was tempted to look back at the bottle he was holding. He forced his eyes shut, "fuck it," he thought to himself before he started to finally chug down on the bottle.

Karma couldn't help but stop crying as he burst out in laughter upon seeing Asano's face all scrunched up from the taste of the strong liquor. The latter coughed and gagged, covering his mouth with one hand to prevent himself from throwing up. After recovering from the nauseous feeling, he then joined in on the laughter.

It was quite a sight to behold. A former honor student and student council president, laughing and sharing drinks with a delinquent. That until those laughter eventually turned into quiet chuckles, then into awkward sighs, all reduced in the end into nothing but ugly cries.

Minutes later, all that can be heard inside the classroom were steady breaths, and the sound leaking from the earbuds they shared with one another as they both laid down on the floor side by side. Just like them, the torrential rain has subsided into soft raindrops pelting against the roof.

"You still have to pay me for the umbrella." Asano jokingly started, his nape resting against one hand, while the other was placed on his side.

A smile crept up its way into Karma's lips as he let out a short laugh in response. With both their gazes still glued onto the ceiling, Karma's fingers hesitantly and slowly crawled its way to find Asano's. From the moment they touched, their eyes locked as their fingers started to intertwine.

Two vulnerable souls, staring into oblivion, clinging onto one another because they had no other choice but to. The skies finally cleared up, tainted with faint streaks of vermillion and tangerine that melted into one another. Fragmented rays of soft gold seeped in through the windows. Dusk was soon approaching, and neither one of them had plans of going home.

Without looking away, Karma asked, "You wanna hang out on the weekend?"

He noticed Gakushū smile subtly before he responded, "Yeah, I'd like that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience! I took a hiatus because the new meds I'm taking really suppressed me 24/7, new ideas weren't just coming up easily and I just didn't feel up to writing that much. But now I'm finally back with another chapter! Thanks for reading and kindly let me know what you think about the direction I'm going for here. And if it isn't obvious enough already, I'm kind of a Lorde Stan my self so... Have a nice day!


	3. Autumn under a Myriad Gingko Trees

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a cascade of unforseen events, a pair of fragile minds are in for a slow-burn wait while the sun sinks below the horizon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To anyone who's reading this, thank you! Also tw for panic attack and self-harm, you have been warned!

_"If being afraid is a crime, we hang side by side."_

_-Swingin Party, Lorde_

* * *

Gakuhou just came home after checking on the construction site of his new cram school. He placed a few take out boxes on the table before walking towards Gakushū's room to invite him for dinner.

Ever since he reunited with his first two students, he began to reconsider his parenting with his only son. At first, he just didn't want him to turn out like Ikeda. But by judging the way he raised Gakushū, he feared the possibility of that happening wouldn't be too far off.

Surprisingly, the boy wasn't in his room. It was already 7 'o clock in the evening, yet he still wasn't home. Nonetheless, he still expected him to arrive soon.

To pass some time, he began to arrange the table. He transferred the food from the take out boxes into plates and placed the cake in the center. Today was his late wife's birthday, and he was planning to have a surprise dinner celebration with his son.

He watched the news while he waited patiently, that until minutes turned in to long, tedious hours.

He glanced at the wall clock in their living room, it was past ten o'clock. He's been calling Gakushū several times for the past two hours, but the boy wasn't answering any of his calls. He was about to head out and find him for himself, quickly putting on his coat and grabbing his keys from the countertop before he headed straight to the front door.

He twisted the knob and pulled the door open, only to find Gakushū leaning against the doorframe by surprise. Gakuhou couldn't help but blink in disbelief, his son was in such a disheveled state. He tried his very best to calm himself down, "Where have you been?" He asked.

Gakushū could barely even hold himself up, he slowly tilted his head up to meet his father's gaze before he began to laugh uncontrollably.

Gakuhou raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms as he was beginning to lose his patience. Still, he waited for the response to his question. His son reeked of alcohol and that put him further to the brim.

"It's... none... of 'yer biz... ness," Gakushū replied gibberish as he panted in between words.

Gakuhou's fist acted before he could even think. The next thing he knew, Gakushū slumped onto the ground with a loud thud after his father punched him in the face. That should've brought him back to his senses.

It's as if the alcohol wasn't enough to disorient him already, that hard punch further worsened it. He saw a few droplets of blood fall on the ground, and with some rigorous effort, he managed to regain his composure by propping himself up against the wall.

"Congratulations on that, I'm sure mom would be happy." He spat before he went past Gakuhou and locked himself inside his bedroom.

Gakuhou was appalled by what just happened. He looked down at his very own hands, his eyes unsteady, wide open in shock.

Where did that promise to himself go now? He was just... trying to change, he was just... trying to be a good parent... for once. But upon seeing his son act that way, it was almost... unimaginable. He never once thought that Gakushū was even capable of being so... unruly. He didn't want Gakushū to end up with the same fate as Ikeda, but because of what he just did, that probably isn't far off from happening.

The following morning, Gakuhou was by the door to Gakushū's room, knocking relentlessly but receiving no answer. After what happened last night, he clearly understood why. He finally decided to turn the knob and push the door open, "Look, I'm sorry about last night..." He apologized, only to find that his son wasn't there anymore.

* * *

The weekend finally came, and Karma couldn't help but laugh to himself. Asano had put so much effort into his outfit.

Gakushū was wearing a beige trench coat, with a white shirt and a pair of black, straight-cut pants underneath. He also wore brown oxford shoes and a black beanie, then a gray plaid scarf was loosely wrapped around his neck, matched by a pair of black leather gloves to keep his hands warm. A faint blush on his nose complemented his pale skin that made him look so... delicate. Karma just watched him approach in silence, noticing a trail of golden Gingko leaves slowly fall from behind.

It was almost... scenic.

Meanwhile, what the delinquent wore was of stark contrast to his. He wore nothing but a black puffer vest with a gray sweater underneath, matched by a pair of bleach-washed denim jeans, then a black baseball cap and some worn-out sneakers.

Gakushū waved his arm as he neared in, to which Karma took a few seconds before he could respond. "Hey." He waved back.

"So, what are we gonna do today?" Asano asked casually.

"So smartass, do you know how to skate?" Karma asked back.

Gakushū raised an eyebrow as he mulled it over, "Well... yeah... I've skated several times already."

"Teach me then." Karma briefly replied. Well, that was pretty straightforward.

"You've never gone skating before?" Gakushū asked back.

Akabane simply shook his head in response.

Gakushū smirked and playfully said, "If you insist."

* * *

"So... how do you put these on?" Karma asked as he held up a skating boot, observing it in sheer curiosity.

"Let me help." Asano readily replied as he knelt down in front of Karma, helping him wear and tie the skating boot. "How does it feel?" He asked afterward, "Not too tight? Not too loose?" He added.

Karma raised his chin as he contemplated while he tried to tap his feet on the ground to check for the fit of his skating boots, "Alright, I guess." He muttered.

"Can you try standing up?" Asano suggested.

Karma did as he was told, his legs all wobbly, stance wide and awkward as he tried to find his balance.

"You'll be fine." Gakushū chuckled, "Just hold my hand." He said reassuringly as he held out his hand to Karma, to which other readily took.

Alas, they finally stepped on the ice, and Gakushū couldn't help but look at the smile gradually forming on Karma's face. His eyes beamed, mouth agape, as he looked around the skating rink in complete astonishment.

His reaction was so innocent and pure as if he was a kid, and within that moment, Gakushū forgot how wild and reckless they were just a few days ago.

"So... how do I move?" Karma simply asked.

Still holding his hand, he instructed him carefully, "You shift your weight on one foot and glide."

Although he was slightly apprehensive about it, Karma did as he was told.

"You're doing great!" Gakushū complimented. From there, Karma was beginning to loosen his grip. Then eventually, he finally let go of his hand as he glided forward on his own, "I see you're a fast learner." He added as he followed Karma from behind.

"Hey... Smart-ass... how do I turn?" Karma gulped nervously, calling for Asano's help as he was about to hit the boards.

It was too late by then.

Karma fell on his butt with an audible thud that made Gakushū somehow cringe. He leaned down towards Karma, offering a hand to help him pull himself up. What he didn't expect was Karma pulling him down on the ice with him.

"What the hell was for?!" He exclaimed. Karma ignored his complaint as the delinquent drowned in laughter. "Oh, so you think this is funny?" Gakushū glared at him in utter annoyance as he stood up on his own, leaving Karma who still sat on the ice.

He crossed his arms as he watched the redhead struggle to stand back up again. He began to laugh in hopes of spiting him, but he didn't realize what was about to come. Karma was able to quickly move close to him through his knees, thereby pulling him back towards the ice again with him.

Both of them lost their balance badly that their backs fell flat on the ice. If Gakushū were to be honest, being annoyed about this would be an understatement. This was beyond embarrassing, they look like total idiots in a public skating rink for god's sake.

Karma held his stomach as he burst out in laughter. He then turned his head to the side and spared him a glance, then after a few blinks, Gakushū joined in on the laughter.

It almost felt like they were back in the abandoned 3-E building again.

* * *

Later on, the pair were back strolling along the Gingko tree-lined walkway by the riverbank with barely any people around. They still had an ample amount of time, it was just five-thirty in the afternoon anyway.

Light snow fell among the golden leaves, and Karma opened his palm up as he began to speak. "Thanks for coming around, I really had-" he abruptly stopped as loud sirens can be heard from the vicinity.

Gakushū waited for Karma to resume speaking as the sounds finally began to fade in the background. But having heard nothing from him at all, he looked sideways only to find his face turning pale, fear-stricken.

Karma just stood there... frozen. His eyes bulging out wide, lips slightly parted as his breath sped up steadily. He raked his fingers through his hair and clutched his head tightly.

What was happening to him?

He was now hyperventilating as he crouched and began looking everywhere hysterically.

Asano took a step back, he now clearly recognized what this was, but he was clueless on how to handle it. It was his first time seeing someone have a panic attack, let alone deal with it.

"What's... wrong?" Asano hesitantly mumbled in fear. He just wasn't entirely sure if he was doing this right. "Karma?" He called as he placed his hand on the boy's shoulder in efforts of snapping him out of it. "Karma?" He called even louder.

Soon enough, Karma's eyes brimmed with tears. "It's them again... it's them again... it's them a-" he repeatedly murmured in paranoia, it was downright crippling. He lifted one of his sleeves up rashly, revealing a plethora of scars lining his entire forearm. His nails sunk in deep as he fought to calm himself down, but his efforts were downright futile.

This was more than enough to frighten the boy standing right in front of him, who could only do so much but stare in shock.

"N-no, Karma, please don't do that to yourself... please don't." Asano gulped, his voice shaky as he covered his mouth out of fear. He was too afraid to touch Karma, it might just worsen this whole situation further.

He just didn't anticipate any of this, the idea of Karma appearing so vulnerable out in the open... it just never once crossed his mind.

But now was probably the time to return him the favor.

Gakushū frantically took off his gloves in response and threw them away to the ground as he held Karma's hands tight to prevent him from hurting himself, "No one else is here, but I am. I'm here, Karma. I'm here." He said before he tried to shake him out of it.

"N-no!" Karma protested, biting his lips, eyes quickly moving from left to right. "They're here... they're..." his voice trailed off when Gakushū shushed him.

"No one else is here, but I am. I'm here." He interlocked his fingers with his, holding their hands up for Karma to see. "See this? Look, I'm here." He earnestly reminded him again, "Karma, listen to me. I'm here, okay? I'm here."

Fortunately for him, Karma eventually calmed down the moment their gazes met.

"Y...you're here?" Karma's voice cracked, his lips trembling as he gasped for air.

Gakushū let out a warm smile in relief, "Yes, I'm here." He held his hands even tighter as he repeated himself, "I'm here."

Karma let go. He could only do so much but cover his mouth and stare in disbelief as the tears fall on his cheeks in silence.

"I'm here..." Gakushū whispered as he finally wrapped his arms around the boy to further calm him down.

Gakushū really wasn't the type to console people. He felt awkward, but he stayed right there with him anyway.

"I'm sorry," Karma sniffed, "I just... I didn't know what's gotten into me..." He averted his gaze to the ground as soon as he got back to his senses, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm-" Karma repeatedly apologized.

Gakushū cut him off and shushed him again, rubbing his back as he kept reassuring him, "It's alright... It's alright..."

He didn't know what else to say, he didn't know if he was even helping, the two of them were a pair of fragile minds after all.

* * *

Since then, the two haven't said a word to each other. As always, Karma began walking away like nothing ever happened, but Gakushū found himself tagging along nonetheless. He dreaded the tension in the air so much, but he knew that he just had to be there.

They soon found themselves inside an empty convenience store, eating some instant ramen on a table by the window, a slow-burn wait while the sun is sinking below the horizon.

They were both preoccupied with mixing their ramen cups, but Karma couldn't resist staring intently at him.

"Thank you... for helping me out back there..." he started out of nowhere. Finally, someone talked.

Gakushū titled his head up in response and met his gaze, "You... wanna talk about it?"

Karma silently shook his head before he prodded his fork playfully in his cup.

Gakushū nodded, "Okay."

Golden Gingko leaves rustled in the wind as the nights are getting longer, colder. And just like before, they still had no plans of going home. It was getting darker outside, and the stars are nowhere to be found.

It doesn't matter though.

Just like the stars on a cloudy night, they may fade for a while or the city lights may prevent you from seeing them, but in the end..

They're still there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Kindly let me know what you think, have a nice day ahead!


	4. The Blueprint of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because it's when you get to know someone that you probably start to regret meeting them in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading this and for the kind comments as well, comments do motivate me a lot <3

_"I know we're not everlasting,_

_We're trainwrecks waiting to happen,_

_One day the blood won't flow so gladly,_

_One day we'll all get still."_

_-A World Alone, Lorde_

* * *

From mundane and monotonous, these past few days have gradually become easier for him to get through. It was more bearable, to say the least. He didn't dare ask himself why though, perhaps the answer was right in front of his eyes.

They were studying inside the library, seated in two chairs opposite to one another. After being his close companion for some while, Asano was still baffled on how the former 3-E student was able to concentrate with two earphones plugged in his ears. He would've understood if he was playing classical music of sorts, but from what he can hear from the faint noise leaking from his earbuds, Karma was blasting what seems to be electronic music instead.

He couldn't help but lose concentration, leading him to observe Akabane discreetly while keeping his head down. As usual, his new acquaintance was tapping his fingers to the beat again, his other elbow propped on the table, holding up a pen for him to bite out of mere habit.

Without even noticing it, he was beginning to remember every single detail about him, little by little.

He could see Karma's position shift slightly, making his heart race fairly quick. Was he caught staring at him? He saw him take out one of his earbuds next, he was about to look at him.

Shit.

"So, smart-ass. Do you have a favorite flower?" Karma asked nonchalantly as he twirled the earbud playfully with his index finger like a yo-yo.

Asano swore he felt his stomach flutter for a fleeting moment when Akabane began to speak. Although midway through that dumb question, he couldn't hide the look of disappointment and bewilderment in his face.

But then, he couldn't deny the fact that this was a huge relief on his part.

He furrowed his brows, with a hint of annoyance in his voice, he asked back, "What? Why the hell are you asking me that?"

And of course, if there's anything that described Karma to a great extent, it was this weird randomness, surging at very random times.

"Why wouldn't I?" He retorted back so childishly with that stupid smirk on his face that made Gakushū glare.

"Just answer the damn question." Karma pressed further after a few seconds of dead air.

Asano conceded with a sigh, relaxing his stern expression as he began to ponder on the thought, "Chrysanthemums." He briefly replied, "I think Chrysanthemums are beautiful." He said as an afterthought.

He could see one side of Karma's lips curl up to his answer before placing back the earbud in his ear and minding his own business again.

It was at that moment when Asano was reminded of how Akabane can be so... unpredictable, incalculable to be more precise. As usual, he left the conversation midair like it was nothing to him, but it's not that he was mad about that, no.

He was beginning to know everything about him... but then, he never once understood him.

He hated it.

Now trees have gone skeletal, the pavements gradually turning white. This has been their routine for days on end, studying inside the library after every dismissal, then eating street foods as they walk each other home. Although he never actually knew where Karma lived because his house was nearer than his.

"Why do you drink strawberry milk so much like it's water?" He simply asked, to which he got no reply from the delinquent but a silent shrug.

It's just not... fair, is it? It's not like he was asking sensitive questions, like why the sirens set him off, or why was he hurting himself, or why did he have bruises on his face that day? It was just... a plain question that probably has nothing to do with his personal life. Nonetheless, he let it slide off.

He pondered on how Karma had the guts to tell him to not kill himself that day on the rooftop, when that was what the delinquent himself has been trying to do all along.

He was so deep in his thought that it was late when he realized that they were only one block away from his house. Since then, they never spoke throughout the entire time.

"Well..." he started with a sigh, a mist forming out of his breath due to the cold air, his hands resting in his pockets, "this is my stop."

"It's my favorite," Karma uttered out of the blue as he stared directly into his eyes, it almost felt... piercing.

"What?" was all that came out of Gakushū's mouth.

"I drink strawberry milk like it's water because it's my favorite." He clarified.

Gakushū let out a short, breathy laugh, "That doesn't explain anything."

"Well, at least you got an answer." Karma said as he patted his shoulder and waved goodbye, "See you around, smart-ass."

Now the night is trampled with harsh subzero temperatures, the streets filled with sparkling lights that had every color you could possibly see in the spectrum. This has been Gakushū's routine for days on end, eyeing Karma persistently after they part ways, withstanding the cold until his figure eventually fades.

* * *

From mundane and monotonous, these past few days have gradually become easier for him to get through. It was more bearable, to say the least. He didn't dare ask himself why though, perhaps the answer was right in front of his eyes.

They were studying inside the library, seated in two chairs opposite to one another. After being his close companion for some while, Akabane was still baffled on how the former 3-A student was able to get through studying without listening to any music. It must be very boring, aside from the fact that studying alone is very tedious already. To be frank, he found Asano very... robotic. He thought of him as a person with little to no substance at all, studying for the sake of compliance, for the sake of getting high grades, just because his father told him to do so, all because that's what he's been used to. It's as if he was on a leash, and Karma couldn't help but wonder if the boy has ever made a single decision for himself. He just... wanted him to be his own person.

He couldn't help but lose concentration, leading him to observe Asano discreetly as he pretended to write notes on his book. As usual, his new acquaintance had his elbow on the table, resting his cheek on his palm, looking expressionless as usual while he cracked his knuckles and finger joints with one hand out of mere habit.

He was beginning to remember every single detail about him, little by little, and he was well aware of it.

With all honesty, he wanted to know more. He knew there was something more about him, and without even noticing it, from what begun as mere rivalry have now turned into something more... meaningful.

He then took off one of his earbuds, twisting it playfully as he asked him all of a sudden, "So, smart-ass. Do you have a favorite flower?"

For a second, he swore he could almost see the shocked reaction on Asano's face. Was... was there something wrong about the question?

"What? Why the hell are you asking me that?" He asked back with the usual annoyed tone in his voice, why does he always appear to be mad at almost everything in the world?

"Why wouldn't I?" He retorted with a pout so petulant. He hated how the other boy doesn't know how to keep a casual conversation afloat, let alone start one.

Well, he's one to talk.

"Just answer the damn question." Karma urged, to which Asano replied with a sigh as he began to think of an answer.

Karma's lips curled up subtly, he always liked what Asano looked like when he's thinking or when he's in deep thought, although he never knew the reason why.

"Chrysanthemums." Gakushū finally told him. "I think Chrysanthemums are beautiful." He said as an afterthought.

Indeed it was, such a beautiful taste coming from someone who he also considered to be... beautiful.

Without even knowing it, his smile became even more noticeable. It was at this moment when Akabane was reminded about what seems to be his gradual descent into infatuation.

And he lived for every second of it.

Now feathery patterns laced every window there is, the snow looking like tiny crystals slowly drifting in the air, then landing into his palms. This has been their routine for days on end, studying inside the library after every dismissal, then eating street foods as they walk each other home.

"Why do you drink strawberry milk so much like it's water?" He heard him ask.

He could feel his heart pounding wildly against his chest. He knew it was just a simple question, but he wished he could answer that without losing his control, without appearing to be so vulnerable like before.

He wished he could tell him everything.

He took a deep breath to calm himself down, shrugging quietly in response.

Asano walked with him nonetheless. Asano stayed by him nonetheless.

Karma was beginning to know everything about him, but never once he understood how Asano was able to put up with him, how he managed to tolerate him.

The boy never spoke since. There he was again, being so deep in his thought which gave him the free pass to look at him as much as he wanted to.

That until Asano stopped and met his gaze, "Well..." he started, "this is my stop."

Right.

He too was in deep thought that he nearly forgot where they were.

Somehow, he felt guilty. He felt guilty about how Asano was always the one to understand him, how the boy was always the one to adjust. He'll know why... someday, once he's ready.

"It's my favorite." He finally answered.

"What?" Asano asked back with a puzzled look on his face.

"I drink strawberry milk like it's water because it's my favorite." He added.

Gakushū scoffed, finally reminded about how Karma left him hanging a while ago, "That doesn't explain anything."

"Well, at least you got an answer." He walked over to him and patted him on the shoulder before waving goodbye, "See you around, smart-ass."

Now the night is trampled with harsh subzero temperatures, with only but their breaths and the hue of their hair as the remaining few traces of warmth in what seems to be this frigid, and unforgiving world. But that didn't seem to bother him, not one bit. This has been Akabane's routine now for days on end, having something to look forward to every day, eager to wake up the next morning, trying to stay alive... just because of one person.

* * *

Before he even knew it, Gakushū was out in the cold again, taking advantage of Gakuhou's busy schedule to work night shift as a junior barista in some distant café.

Karma, on the other hand, stopped in his tracks after walking a few blocks past Gakushū's house. He realized that he forgot to return the notes he borrowed from him. After figuring out that he might need those tonight, he quickly turned around and walked back to him, only to find out that the boy was headed elsewhere.

Without making his presence known, he followed him nonetheless. Minutes later, Karma stayed inside a café opposite to where the other boy was working. He didn't know what made him do it. He knew it was none of his business to know about Asano's whereabouts, he knew it all felt wrong no matter how hard he tried to justify it. But then... but then... No. He couldn't think of a logical excuse for it, it's as if his own body was wired to move on its own without him thinking.

He stayed, seated by the window, listening to some music as he studied to pass some time. He typed in what Gakushū recommended to him on the song search bar, trying to pronounce the title as he tapped on his phone's keyboard, "Nocturne... Op. 9, No. 2... Chopin."

"What a dork..." he thought to himself, before pressing play.

Now he eyed the barista from the other side of the road, finally understanding the boy's fondness for classical music.

* * *

"Can I help you with something?" Gakushū asked as he heard footsteps approach, fixing his apron after closing the cash register.

"I never thought you were a working student..." Gakushū heard, immediately sending shivers down to his spine. What's even worse was that he heard a camera shutter right after his classmate said that to him, "well that's bad news..."

He perked his head up and finally looked at him, "Please... let's talk about this." He begged, and he hated how he sounded like. It was almost... pathetic. It was pathetic and he hated himself for it.

"What for?" The other student taunted with the picture he just took of him.

Gakushū tried to handle this matter as calm as he possibly could, "Just... please don't... I believe we can talk this out."

"Okay then... Follow me." He told him, smirking as he led him into a secluded alley adjacent to the café.

"What do you want?" Gakushū outright demanded, his voice sterner.

Still holding his phone right in front of him, his classmate said, "Kneel. I want you to kneel and lick the ground."

"You're sick." Gakushū spat.

"That or I'm telling everyone and you're expelled." He threatened.

Gakushū didn't know any better, safekeeping in exchange for what? His dignity? That and he wasn't even sure if the student would stick true to his words at all. Either way, he's screwed.

"Shit!" His other classmate groaned in pain before he fled. He was deep in his thought again, so deep in his thought that he failed to realize... That he failed to realize that Karma was there.

Karma?

"Why... why the fuck would you that?!"

Karma nearly gasped, taking a step back after witnessing Gakushū's harsh reaction. "I was just trying to protect you. Why the fuck are you mad?" He snapped back, his question pretty straightforward, and his voice reeking of venom.

"I hate you!" Gakushū yelled, pushing Karma away in the chest, "I fucking hate you!" He pushed him away even harder, "Now we might get fucking expelled because of that dumb shit you just did!"

Anticipating that Asano was about to push him away again, he caught his wrist before his hands closed in on his chest, gripping it tightly that made Gakuhshū squirm, "What?! What did you want me to do?! Just stare and watch you get stepped on by that asshole?!" He reasoned out before tossing Asano's arm away to the side, to which the latter took a few moments before he responded.

"Yeah, I'd rather have that!" Gakushū exclaimed before briefly stopping in his thoughts, thinking about what to say next, but fuck it. Yeah, fuck it then. "Just because you have issues of your own doesn't mean you get to do whatever the fuck you want all the time and drag me into your mess. Grow the fuck up, Karma!"

What... what the hell was that supposed to mean?

Karma couldn't believe what he just heard, and Gakushū couldn't believe what just came out of his mouth.

"What?! Are you fucking kidding me?! After I..." what was even the point of continuing any further? He could feel hot blood pulsing through his veins, while he breathed in some air between his teeth to prevent himself from lashing out, to subdue his violent tendencies. At this point, it just feels as if he was talking to a damn wall. "Fucking... unbelievable..." he shouted out loud, before biting his lip and raking his hair out of mere frustration, forcing him to punch a nearby wall several times to release some tension.

His knuckles bled and he didn't care. That hurt good.

"Please... Don't... hurt yourself..." Gakushū's lips were trembling out of fear, he was afraid to touch him. That and he was also terrified of what might happen next. He could only do so much but stare in disbelief, and then there Karma goes again, walking away like it was nothing to him. Why is Karma always the one to get to do that? Why does he always do that? To him? Gakushū watched his distorted figure fade with his teary eyes, sobbing to himself once he was gone already.

And maybe, but he hoped not, his routine for days has abruptly come to an end.

Now the night was solemn, but the kids weren't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading! This chapter was kind of rushed because it's our exam week tomorrow. Anyways, let me know what you think. Also, my apologies for the vulgar words in the end. Have a nice day!


	5. Three Hares in the Headlights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unbeknownst to them, two tiny fragments that seemed to drift aimlessly in space were finally bounded by predestined trajectories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for your patience and for the kind comments! I appreciate them a lot! I do apologize for the delay though. TW for self-harm and drugs, you have been warned. Enjoy reading!

_"Right now it feels like we're bleeding,_

_So deep that we might not get back up,_

_Our words will tear through the surface_

_like a papercut"_

_-Papercut by Zedd ft. Troye Sivan_

* * *

Gakushū chose to attend classes the following day despite what happened, with the intention of apologizing to Karma for the way he reacted to him last night. The constant feeling of impending doom prevented him from getting decent sleep. He braced himself for what might happen next, which was Gakuhou finding out the entire truth.

Unfortunately, the moment he arrived, the delinquent's seat was still empty, and so he waited. He arrived an hour before classes anyway so he figured that he might just be early. But then,minutes have flown by so quickly and classes were about the start already, yet Karma still hasn't shown up. A sheen of sweat began to form in his forehead as several scenarios began to pop up in his head.

He was afraid that Karma might kill himself, those scars weren't there for nothing, were they?

He jolted up from his seat and immediately ran by the moment their professor was about to enter the room. He didn't care what they're going to think about him, nor he didn't care whether his other classmate was about to report what just happened last night to their principal.

He didn't care if he was going to be expelled.

He just needed to know that Karma was doing alright. He just needed to know that the fight they had last night still has the chance of being resolved. He knew he just needed to be there...

He wanted to be there.

Gakushū quickly typed in Karma's address in the phone map before giving him a call.

Karma laid down on the floor of their living room, waking up to the sound of his phone ringing incessantly, dazed as the sun shone directly onto his eyes. He covered his eyes with one arm, as the other reached out for his phone.

Several notifications popped up after he unlocked it, telling him that he had 10 missed calls from Gakushū, "Yeah... fuck you." He spat before he turned off his phone and tossed himself back to sleep.

Gakushū quickly hopped off the metro bus and ran towards the apartment complex shown on the map. He then searched for Karma's unit and began knocking the moment he found it.

"Fuck." Karma groaned. "What the fuck do you want?! I'm trying to sleep!" Karma yelled before turning his body to face the wall, covering his ears with a pillow he grabbed from the nearby couch.

Of course, that didn't stop Gakushū from trying to get in.

Finally fed up with all the noise, Karma mustered up the strength he had left to stand and walk towards the front door.

Upon turning the knob and pulling the door open, Karma caught a glimpse of Gakushū standing outside before he rushed to push the door back closed, but Gakushū was able to stop him from doing so.

"Get out! Get the fuck out!" Karma tried slamming the door shut with his entire body, but Gakushū fought even harder that he was able to get in.

They were both catching their breaths, but Gakushū readily did what he came here for, "I'm sorry, okay?! I'm sorry, Karma! I'm sorry!" He apologized, visibly fretting while at the same time, he also felt relieved that the scenarios playing in his mind earlier were, after all, just scenarios.

Before he could even respond, Karma noticed how the color from Gakushū face drained out all of a sudden. He then followed his gaze and realized where he was looking at.

Shit.

He had all the time this morning before he even came, but for some unknown reason, he still forgot to take out the needle in his arm.

"Why..." Gakushū whispered, aghast, his unfaltering stare still fixated on his arm. He began chewing on his lower lip, his eyes welled up in tears as he burst out, "Why are you so intent in ruining your life?!"

"That's also the question I ask myself every day." Karma begrudgingly admitted, leaving Gakushū surprised, as he casually took out the needle from his arm and tossed it to the floor, "Maybe it's because I've got nothing left to lose anyway... I guess." He continued reluctantly as he walked over to the couch and sank into it.

Gakushū tried calming himself down, following Karma without a second thought then sat beside him. Karma then leaned forward, propped his elbows on his knees, and clasped his hands together.

"Both my parents are drug addicts..." He started with a deep sigh, it was the first time he ever told this to anybody, and he couldn't believe that he was finally doing it. "They kept telling me... that my birth was a huge mistake..." his vision getting cloudier as the tears filled his eyes to the brim. It was becoming hard for him to see clearly. "To cover up for that fault, they would almost get high every day. They'd get drunk... making sure I wouldn't forget how much I ruined both their lives... so they'd hit me all the time, use my skin as an ashtray... eventually when I turned six, I got tired from all of it..."

His lips began to tremble, the tears finally rolling down on his cheeks steadily. His calm face was of stark contrast to how tangled his mind was, but he continued still. "So I began using heroine too... and believe me," he chuckled bitterly, "it was damn good. It got me through most days, and it was a miracle that I didn't overdose by then even though I didn't know what the fuck I was doing."

Gakushū could only do so much but listen and hold Karma's shaky hands to make him know that he was there.

Always.

"Then on my seventh birthday, something happened." Karma went on, "It was Christmas eve too... You see, my entire life, I never got to celebrate my birthday... which was pretty self-explanatory... my birth was a huge mistake, to begin with... but on that day, it's as if I received my first present ever..." he briefly paused.

"My mom killed herself." He blankly divulged, seemingly numbed by it all, "You see, on that day, other kids hanged ornaments on their Christmas trees or hanged Christmas lights around their porches. But to my end, my mother hanged herself in the living room, and didn't care one bit that it was Christmas Eve or that it was my birthday."

"Don't get me wrong. I hated her." Karma let out a short laugh in disdain before explaining further, "I hated them to a great extent that at some point in my childhood, I wished for them to die. But still... why was I scared back then? It was what I wanted all along, right?" His voice grew even louder, the expression he suppressed for so long finally leaking word by word, the glint in his eyes more noticeable.

But then, his voice went mellow again as he recalled the events he refused to acknowledge for years, "The next thing I knew, I was sitting on the floor, hugging my knees with nothing but a carton strawberry milk in my hands, watching her lifeless body for hours, while my dad was nowhere to be found."

That revelation made Gakushū regret the way he thought about Karma that night.

"Then the following day, the sirens woke me up." Karma recalled, looking down, his nails sinking in deeper to the edge of the sofa, "As the police officers cleaned up her body, I swore I could almost see her stand on the other side of the living room. Of course, the visions never left me as I grew up... so whenever I get to have the chance, I would drown myself in alcohol."

"Eventually, my dad ended up in jail and my aunt raised me. She ended up migrating though but she still supported me financially, so I technically grew up by myself..." He carried on with the story, appearing a little calmer now. "but still, I always hoped for something better for myself. I simply wanted a way out, but sometimes I just get tired so easily that I tend to opt for a quicker way to do it... of course, it never happened...because I'm still here... aren't I?" Upon uttering out those last few words jokingly, a genuine smile somehow found its way into Karma's lips.

How does he even manage to do that? To smile like it's nothing to him? To walk away every damn time like it was nothing to him? Gakushū thought it through over and over again after hearing everything he said. Perhaps it's what Karma's been doing all his life. And now he couldn't even bring himself to be mad about it, because if it were him, he knew he wouldn't stand a chance.

"I believe I deserve something far better in life, you know..." Karma told him, the glint in his eyes unwavering, "That there's a future ahead waiting for me elsewhere... far from here, far from what I'm used to... far from what I've been through."

He could never look at Karma the same way ever again.

* * *

Gakuhou stared at him relentlessly, the principal's words reduced into nothing but mere background noise. It's as if only the two of them were inside the office, and the tension in the air was so dreadful and permeating that it nearly suffocated him. Those intense pair of eyes that matched his was more than enough to make his stomach churn. He just wanted to get out, he wished that the ground would just open up and swallow him whole.

"Aren't you aware of it yet?" The principal raised his voice, trying to catch Gakuhou's attention who barely even looked at him this whole time.

"Of what?" Gakuhou asked back, his piercing glare not leaving him for one bit.

"Your son lost his scholarship." The principal answered, finally making Gakuhou's head turn. "You never received the notice letter?" The principal probed further.

"No, I haven't..." He answered, his voice trailing off into a whisper as he looked back at Gakushū.

"Your son fell in the rankings."

That's all they see, don't they? Numbers. Good grades, honors, merits, and awards are all that's important to them. Behind closed curtains, they fail to realize the lengths he had to go through just to appease them. Behind closed doors are sleepless nights and numerous breakdowns, all for the sake of excellence.

But at what cost?

Perfection defined who he was, and now his steep descent into mediocrity almost felt dehumanizing.

Gakushū could almost feel his entire chest constrict against his will, his nails sinking in deeper to his wrist as the shame devoured him completely. He kept his head down in stark trepidation. He couldn't even afford to look at his own father. He doesn't know if he ever will.

A one-week suspension sounded better than expulsion, but either way, he'd choose anything other than his father finding out the entire truth.

The hour they have spent inside the office roughly felt like an eternity to him. He plainly knew that once they step out of the principal's office, he still wouldn't be relieved, the suffering won't just end by then.

The two of them haven't spoken to each other since this morning.

Finally tired of all the silence, Gakushū was the first one to break it, "Aren't you supposed to hit me or something?" He bluntly asked as soon as they got inside the car.

Gakuhou stopped midway through inserting the car key, struggling to deny the pang of guilt building up in his chest. But then, he decided it was better to not set the kerosene aflame.

"No." He answered dismissively and began driving, but Gakushū was rather persistent.

"Why not? Isn't that what you always do?" Gakushū retorted.

"Now's not the time." Gakuhou told him off, now with a hint of authority in his voice.

"Why won't you hit me?!" Gakushū yelled as he broke down in tears, "You've been hitting me for as long as I could remember! You've been hitting me for the slightest mistakes, so why not hit me now that I'm a total failure?!"

"Gakushū, get a hold of yourself," Gakuhou replied dismissively after sighing to himself, things were getting a bit out of control now. It felt downright frustrating.

Of course, that didn't prevent the former 3-A student from lashing out, "No! Stop playing saint! Don't act like every normal parent there is out there! I know what you are! So just hit me!"

"Hit me!" Gakushū pressed further that made Gakuhou abruptly step on the brakes.

Gakushū saw this as an opportunity to leave. So without warning, he unlocked the door. "I hate you!" he spat as he stepped out of the car, then running as far away as he could.

What did just happen?

Gakuhou didn't know what the fuck just happened. He decided to pull over to the curbside, taking a deep breath before burying his face into his palms.

He wasn't planning on hitting him, at least not this time, at least not with intention. He was beginning to acknowledge his mistakes, and he couldn't believe how hard actually it was.

* * *

Dusk has settled in, and Karma seemed to enjoy the first day of his one-week suspension by playing video games since this afternoon. A sudden knock on his door made him press pause.

"Can I stay here tonight?" Gakushū outright told him the moment he opened the door.

Karma blinked several times before he could come up with a response, Gakushū just came in unannounced, then he told him that he's going to spend the night here without texting him beforehand.

How the hell was he supposed to react?

"Y-yeah... yeah, of course." He stammered, placing a hand on his nape in uncertainty.

"Did... something happen?" Karma asked him warily, closing the door from behind after he stepped in.

Gakushū looked all riled up, tossing his belongings to the floor as he strode over to the couch.

He didn't get an answer aside from a brief glance before Gakushū was back inside his own world again.

"Okay..." Karma sang, raising an eyebrow, as he thought of what to say next to ease the awkward tension. "Well, I have some leftover take-out food by the dining table if you're hungry..." Karma finally said as he sat beside him and resumed playing his video game. He decided it was best to let things cool down for a bit.

Gakushū eyes wandered all over the place, he simply didn't know why he was here, or why he chose and wanted to be here with Karma, but he thought that he'd rather be anywhere than with his father.

Those wild thoughts were just simply unrelenting, driving him close to the edge.

He's still very young yet there's this anxious feeling looming above his head, telling him that he's already running out of time to get his life together. For once, he thought he had his future set out for him. He thought had it in together, then one single mistake has thrown everything into disarray. He thought he'll be able to fix it like he always does, but he's lost, and he seems to slowly run out of hope by the day.

He simply didn't know where to go from here.

* * *

An hour or so have passed and Karma was so immersed in playing his video game that he failed to realize that Gakushū had left his seat. That until he heard the bathroom door blasting out open, making his head reflexively jolt sideways.

It was Gakushū standing there rigidly, panting, frozen like a lost chick drenched in the rain. His mouth agape, breathing heavily with a huge slit on his forearm, blood dripping all over the place, flowing freely alongside his tears.

"I..." before Gakushū could even speak to explain himself, Karma threw his game controller to the ground and ran over to him.

He frantically grabbed him by the shoulders and snapped at him, "Why the fuck would you hurt yourself?!"

"I'm... I'm sorry... I messed up... I didn't mean to bother you like this..." Gakushū sobbed, peering back at Karma through his teary eyes.

Karma realized that he might've reacted too harsh so he attempted to calm him down, "No... Don't say that... Don't say that, okay?" He knew far better than to add further insult to the injury. "Just keep your arm elevated, apply some pressure while I find my kit. You'll be fine, you hear me?"

He always knew how to handle himself in situations like this and he's been doing it for years. But dealing with someone else going through the same thing, it's as if he was treading through deep, murky waters.

But in the end, everything did become fine... as he promised.

"Is it because of me?" Karma started, the two of them seated opposite to one another on the bathroom floor, their backs leaning against the doorway, hugging their knees.

Gakushū slowly tilted his head up, looking directly into his eyes for a brief moment, before averting his gaze sideways.

He didn't know where to start.

"It's my fault, is it?" Karma prompted, "Because you saw mine? My scars?"

Gakushū silently shook his head in response.

"You're smart enough to know that cutting won't solve things, right?" Karma told him.

"Then... then why are you doing it?" Gakushū finally spoke, but with precaution.

"I'm not, at least not anymore..." he answered, sparing Gakushū a glance before looking down to his own feet as he continued, "I've told you what I've been through, right? And I also told you how I thought that I deserve far better things in life, so I stopped..." Karma looked up to him again, but in contrast to the lie he told him just a few seconds ago, he said, "Like before, I'm always here to listen. No matter what it is, I'll be listening, I'll be here."

"You deserve better things too..." he added as he gently placed a hand on top of his shoulder, to which Gakushū responded by placing his hand on top of his.

Their gazes met again.

Karma's eyes were glistening, and so were his. "Please don't end up like me..." Karma whispered, smiling, as he held Gakushū's hand tighter. A tear finally fell from his cheek.

Unbeknownst to them, two tiny fragments that seemed to drift aimlessly in space were finally bounded by predestined trajectories.

The once vivid colors of the sky have drained down into the void, turning into a sedated, dark shade of blue. The stars appeared one by one, their positions unchanging. The phases of the moon have also remained constant for years, but what has changed is the newfound warmth he felt inside of him the moment Karma lightly kissed his forehead... before his lips wandered down and touched his.

The moonlight has seeped in through the crevices, finding its way into his irises, turning it into a bewitching shade of lilac that were akin to hydrangeas in full bloom. He was stunned by what Karma just did, but the latter was even more struck by witnessing the beauty that was right in front of him, all in full display.

Karma broke off from the kiss but refusing to move an inch farther, immobilized as he felt Gakushū's soft, warm breaths against his neck. He observed him discreetly, noticing the quizzical expression written all over his face. Karma knew what he did was downright wrong, how he brazenly took advantage of Gakushū's vulnerability, how it was his body mistranslating what his mind kept telling him not to do.

His train of thoughts came into an abrupt stop as Gakushū kissed him back out of mere impulse before he quickly shied away. For what lasted in less than a second seemed like forever to him, at least he wished it was.

And alas, the guessing game begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! As always, let me know what you think! I honestly think that this chapter was subpar because exam week messed me up, so I do apologize again. Anyways, have a great day ahead! <3


	6. Of Snowflakes, Sirens, and Static

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like trains on the tracks, there'll be nowhere else to go except right where you're headed to.

_We're the broken beauties_

_Blindfolded minds collide and we fall_

_When the curtain drops_

_Our touch is just a touch_

-Strangers, Sigrid

* * *

A pair of clouded minds, seated opposite to one another on a table by the window, staring out into the night shrouded by fog and light rain. Karma and Gakushū seemed to mirror one another, as both placed their elbows on the table, resting their cheeks against their palms, mindlessly stirring a hot cup of coffee, bewildered.

Karma watched him with subtlety, finally letting go of the spoon as he took a small sip. Gakushū seemed to notice, turning his head sideways to look at him, his face all tensed up.

"Why did you do that?" He finally asked.

Karma slowly placed his cup down, "Because I think I like you." He answered without caution, his face blank as he took note of Gakushū's futile attempt to suppress his reaction, the latter nearly spitting out his coffee.

He hated it. He hated how defenseless he makes him feel with his recklessness, with his impulsivity. He hated how Karma does everything on a whim, without ever considering how it affects the people around him.

He hated how Karma slowly changed everything about him without him ever noticing until it's too late.

"Why would you even say that?" Gakushū asked again, sounding even more annoyed to conceal the fact that his heart was racing, scared to hear what his answer might be, making him grip onto the cup handle tighter.

"Because... it's true?" The words slipped out of Karma's mouth without a care, yawning and stretching his arms as he stood up from his seat. "I'm bored, let's go watch a movie or something." He said as he plopped onto the couch and turned on the TV.

"Don't-" he uttered out loud without making eye contact, sighing with his brows furrowed. "Don't walk out on me like that, I hate it."

"Okay..." Karma mumbled in a singsong tone, leaning back on the couch, biting his lower lip before he spoke in defense, "What's there left to say anyway? I just confessed, now what?"

Gakushū fought the urge to ask, "What about me? What about how I feel?" The uncertaintydriving him mad, but instead, he chose to keep his silence as he walked over and sat down beside him, "Just... forget about it."

Some things are just better left unsaid, aren't they?

He hated how Karma leaves everything unfinished, and he hated how he's becoming more like him too.

"No." Karma suddenly changed his mind and looked at him, "I do want to know."

Gakushū sighed and avoided his stare, conflicted, "I... don't know..."

Karma raised an eyebrow and placed his hand above his, still not dropping his gaze, "Why?"

"I really just... don't" Gakushū muttered softly in diffidence, facing the floor, "but I want to stay with you... I like it in here, I like being with you." He boldly admitted, the words spewing out of his mouth spontaneously as he finally made eye contact with Karma.

One side of Karma's lips curled up subtly, his eyes gleaming, as he laid down on the couch sideways and rested his head on Gakushū's lap. "Okay..."

Gakushū blinked, looking down on Karma with the slightest hint of confusion before conceding with a chuckle, "Okay..." He replied, caressing Karma's scalp as they both began watching TV.

"I wonder what I'd look like if I dye my hair blue..." Karma expressed his thoughts out loud as soon as Clementine from 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' popped up on the screen.

"I don't think it would suit you..." Gakushū answered, maybe a little too honest, while he gently combed his fingers through Karma's red locks.

"Why not?" Karma pouted in dismay, slightly lifting up his head to look up at Gakushū.

"Because I can't imagine you in a different hair color other than red," he simply told him.

Karma slumped his head back on Gakushū's lap, resumed watching, then he asked again, "And because?"

"It fits you, I guess... Your personality, it's just striking, strong and..." he began answering, but his voice trailed off while he tried to gauge his wording, trying not to offend him.

"And what?" Karma waited after Gakushū left the words hanging.

"Well, don't get mad..." Gakushū warned.

"What is it?!" Karma pressed, sounding a bit more impatient.

"Ill-tempered." Gakushū finally said meekly in fear of what Karma's reaction might be, which to his surprise, wasn't really bad at all.

Instead, he heard Karma giggling, "I'm aware of that, you know!" He exclaimed in defense before teasingly punching Gakushū's thigh next.

"Ow!" Gakushū gasped, pinching Karma's cheek playfully in return.

"Okay! Stop!" Karma cried in protest, laughing. "You know what I think about your hair color though?" He prompted.

"What? What about mine?" Gakushū asked, genuinely curious, his eyes brightening up with enthusiasm.

"It doesn't suit you." Karma outright told him.

"Why not?"

"Because I rarely see you happy. You know what I mean? Orange is just this energetic color that screams, exciting, exhilarating--" He explained passionately, facing the ceiling while Gakushū just watched him with intent. His hands were moving and his expressions were all over the place, "--and you're just not it." He ended flatly.

That sounded intense.

"Okay..." he laughed breathily in response, "Well, what hair color do you think would suit me then?"

"Blue," Karma answered readily, it's as if he had already thought this through. He added, "no personality bullshit involved or anything... I just think you'd look beautiful in blue."

"Mhmm..." Gakushū mumbled, stroking Karma's cheek softly as they resumed watching the movie in silence.

"I don't think I'd like to erase someone from my memory even if things go south..." Karma voiced out his thoughts as the climax of the movie unfolds.

"Have you ever been in a relationship before?" Gakushū asked out of sheer curiosity.

"Nope. This is my first." Karma replied.

Gakushū could only do so much but laugh in shock, smiling, "First? Really? Did you even hear me say 'yes'? Did I say 'yes' to all this?"

"Then say it." Karma retorted, shifting his body as he finally sat upright, "Say 'yes.'"

Gakushū mulled it over, the pace, making sure that they weren't in a rush of things. He was planning on saying 'yes' anyway, but Karma was rather quick to make conditions.

"If the answer's yes, kiss me. But if the answer's no, I'm cool with that."

Why does he have to make it so hard? Why does he tend to complicate things? What difference does it make anyway? The denial? There'll be nowhere else to go except right where they're headed.

"Really?" Karma complained the moment Gakushū finally did what he was told, "A kiss on the forehead? You suck."

Gakushū didn't say anything as he took a turn on laying down on the couch, resting his head on Karma's lap.

"I love you," Karma added, looking down at him and ruffling his hair gently.

"Me too..." Gakushū mumbled as his eyelids felt heavy. Soon enough, he completely drifted into sleep while Karma still continued watching TV.

The untouched cups of coffee on the table has gone cold, the hour hand on the clock pointing past "2," and the white noise playing inconspicuously on the background, blending altogether with Karma and Gakushū's soft snores.

So much has happened in one day.

* * *

Karma woke up to the sight of Gakushū slurping on a cup of instant ramen, his cheeks full and fluffy, the latter didn't seem to quite notice him waking up, so he discreetly observed him for a few minutes before he finally greeted, "Morning, smartass."

Surprised to hear that Karma was up already, he shifted his focus from the food he was eating into Karma, and began explaining himself, "Sorry, I got hungry and I kind of ransacked through your cupboards.... by the way, it's a quarter past noon already."

"Yeah.." Karma yawned, stretching his arms as he sat upright, "I'm just not a morning person you know..."

"I figured." Gakushū agreed as he walked over to Karma and joined him on the floor.

"So what have you been doing all this morning? Watching me sleep?" Karma smirked.

"Nope, studying." He answered.

"Studying? For god's sake, we're on a one-week suspension and it's nearly winter break, what the hell are you studying for?" Karma argued.

"Nothing... I just feel anxious doing nothing at all..." Gakushū openly told him, "I just have this constant anxious feeling that I might not amount to anything in life if I don't get my shit together."

"Jesus, it's too early for that!" Karma exclaimed, followed by a loud yawn. He saw Gakushū's face turn sour at his foul breath. In order to spite him more, he breathed louder right into his face.

"You're disgusting!" Gakushū pinched his nose and turned away, dropping his half-finished instant ramen on a nearby coffee table.

"I know, right?!" Karma laughed with that devious smirk on his face.

Gakushū knew trouble was coming, so he stood up and tried to get away from Karma's foul breath, but the latter began to chase him mischievously across the living room. "Gross! Karma, stop! It's not funny!" He cried as he ran. Much to his dismay, Karma was able to catch him as he felt his arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

"I want some Gyudon, can we get some Gyudon outside?" Karma purred, poking his chin on Gakushū's shoulder, the latter's facial expression going soft.

There he was again with his random thoughts.

"Okay, just brush your teeth first. Jeez."

* * *

Gakushū followed Karma from behind, the wind howling on his face while he watched him run freely and kick some snow. He hugged himself and rubbed his arms, trying to keep himself warm.

He smiled to himself at the sight of him. Karma boldly stood out from the background, a sole rose stemming out of the snow, wild and carefree.

"What are you waiting for?" Karma shouted from a distance, his hands cupped over his mouth to make his voice louder.

"Coming!" Gakushū yelled back and waved as he ran over to him.

They strolled side by side on the pavements blanketed with thin snow, their fingers entwined and their breaths forming into wisps of smoke.

"You know what? I have this weird urge to hop on a train just for some sightseeing." Karma declared out of nowhere.

"Didn't you say earlier that you wanted some Gyudon?" Gakushū reminded him, but again, Karma was rather persistent.

"The Gyudon can wait." Karma insisted.

"Are you..." Gakushū uttered out in disbelief, letting out a breathy laugh, "Are you being serious right now?"

"Let's go!" Karma picked up the pace, running as he held Gakushū's hand tight and dragged him from behind.

* * *

The scenery of the train station looked almost dull and colorless. But the pair seemed to stand out from a sea of monotonous grayscale jackets and overcoats as they sat together on the bench, waiting for the next train. The redhead wore this peach pullover hoodie with an embroidered skull emoticon on the upper left, while Gakushū wore this pastel mint hoodie he borrowed from Karma with a small alien embroidery on the exact same spot.

It wasn't exactly his taste but it didn't look as bad, Gakushū thought. It was better than freezing out in the cold because the sweatshirt he bought with him just wasn't enough to keep him warm.

A few seconds later they already got in. The burnt, orange daylight peered right through the spaces in between the skyscrapers, Karma had the sun rays directly absorbed by his irises, giving off this hypnotic, amber glint that he couldn't help but look at from the corner of his eye. He then rested his head on his shoulders, still staring, noticing how Karma always sticks his tongue out a little when he concentrates.

He wondered what could be inside that fragile mind of his. They were sharing earbuds again, playing the film-score 'Cornfield Chase' from 'Interstellar.' It almost felt like it was only the two of them inside the train, as if they were in a trance, traversing slowly through time and space.

Karma leaned right back on top of Gakushū's head that still rested on his shoulder, he told him, "You have such good taste."

"Play a song you like next..." Gakushū whispered, handing his phone over to Karma, to which he immediately took and began scrolling. They played 'Tokyo Nights' by 'Digital Farm Animals' last before they got off the metro, for they finally went full loop around the city.

Karma got a hold of his Gyudon after some time, the pair eating away in solace as they sat by a window in an otherwise empty diner. The sun eventually dipped past below the skyline, ephemeral shades of ochre, wisteria, and indigo bled quaintly into one another, veiling over the sporadically lit city-lights.

It was short-lived but worthwhile. Gakushū knew he had to go home soon and face the repercussions of what he did the other day. So they went back to Karma's loft to grab some of his stuff before he leaves.

"Today was nice. I had so much fun with you. Really." He told him as he stood underneath the doorway, slinging his bag on one shoulder.

"Me too." Karma replied, taking a step to kiss Gakushū on the forehead before they part ways, "See you around."

"Wait," Gakushū called out as soon as he heard sirens from a distance. He began covering Karma's ears with his hands as the sound neared in. Karma was rooted in his place, his breaths staggering, mind turbulent. He forced his eyes shut as he held onto Gakushū's wrists tightly.

Then to make up for what he did last night, he tilted his chin up and kissed Karma's lips softly for nearly half a minute until the noise tapered off. "Do I still suck?" Gakushū asked the moment he let go.

The smoke clears out and all he could see and think of was him and only but him. Karma blinked his eyes open, looking even more dazed than he did a while ago, the teardrops falling steadily. It was all unanticipated, he never knew that Gakushū was even capable of doing... that. He tried pulling himself back together. The heavy breaths eventually turning into airy laughs, a prelude to an ugly sob while he had Gakushū pulled into a tight hug.

Gakushū reluctantly placed a hand on Karma's back. He was never the type to console people, but now he could see himself in the former 3-E student, the way he cried in the hallway back when he first lost his scholarship.

So this is what Karma's been doing to him all along.

He whispered into his ear, one hand rubbing his back and the other caressing his head, "I love you."

"I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading and let me know what you think! Have a great day ahead!


	7. Two Drinks and What If's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two boys discuss their hardships and bleak futures over two hot cups of coffee above a vast sea of street lights.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this took longer than usual, online classes have been quite dreadful lately. As always, thanks for the support! (Note: for the update I just changed 'perched' to 'leaning' because I misused the word. Sorry! And thank u for the comments again >.< )

_"Cola with the burnt out taste, I'm the one you tell your fears to. There'll never be enough of us."_

\- _Buzzcut Season, Lorde_

* * *

He has never seen his father in such a disheveled state after he got home that night. Gakuhou was seated on the long end of their dining table, sleeping with his head resting above his crossed forearms. There was this unsealed, half-empty bottle of cognac right in front of him. Gakuhou straightened up his position at the sound of the floorboards creaking underneath Gakushū's footsteps. His eyes nearly looked lifeless with dark bags underneath them.

He pushed himself up to stand as he slowly walked over to him. There was this look of forlorn casted on his face, a lump forming in his throat.

The next thing he knew, he felt his father's hands drape above his head, then cupping his cheeks before he had his arms wrapped around him. For a second, he almost felt scared, he always anticipated the worst when it comes to him. "I'm sorry, please don't leave me again. I was worried sick." Those strange words that came out of Gakuhou's mouth left Gakushū completely baffled. More than that, his father was crying right in front of him. Instead of succumbing to tears, anger clouded his mind and led him to throw a fit.

"Let go of me!" Gakushū yelled as he struggled to wriggle himself free. "You're lying! You don't love or care about me! You never did!"

"I know, and I'm sorry for that." Gakuhou held him even tighter, "Let me fix this. I'll fix this, I promise." But due to his weakened state, he wasn't able to contain Gakushū.

Gakushū chuckled bitterly, "It's too late for that, you've done a lot of fucked up things to me just to appease your ego! You messed things up more enough than you should since mom left! We hate each other and that's how it's gonna be for the rest of our goddamn lives!" he spat, hot tears streaming down his face in a blind rage.

Gakuhou sighed to himself and slumped back into his seat after Gakushū ran and locked himself inside his bedroom. He covered his face with his hand in mere frustration, laughing uncontrollably at his own misfortune before chugged down the remains of the liquor bottle in tears.

* * *

The rest of his one-week suspension has been quite... dreary. He never bothered to go out of his room unless his father wasn't there. He laid in his bed all day, doing nothing and he practically starved himself too, he didn't feel up to eating anything at all except for when he gets extremely hungry around 1 AM. He's quite thankful that his father didn't force himself in, it was probably to let things cool down for a bit. More than that, he felt grateful for Karma checking in on him every once in a while.

Nonetheless, both Gakushū and Gakuhou went back to their usual routine the moment his suspension ended. They haven't spoken to each other since that night.

"Are you sure you don't want to skip this one? It's the last day before winter break." His father asked him right when he stepped inside the car.

Gakushū shook his head silently, Gakuhou took note of his response by looking at the rear-view mirror before he began driving.

The dreadful silence made it seem like Gakushū spent an eternity inside the car. It almost drove him mad and now he was simply glad that it's finally over. He stepped out of the car and began walking towards their building when his father called him from behind. He stopped in his tracks and turned around only to see Gakuhou approaching him with a wrapped bento box in his hands.

"Take it with you." He told him.

Gakushū retorted, his brows furrowed, "I've survived years at school without you ever making lunch for me so-"

Gakuhou cut him off, his voice was neither stern nor he didn't seem to be mad, "Just... take it."

Gakushū conceded with a sigh as he took the bento box in his hands and left without a word.

This was going to be hard for Gakuhou, but he'll take it.

* * *

The hours went by so fast, and the professors did nothing but discuss the topics for next semester. It was the last day before winter break anyway so there's technically nothing much left to do. As usual, Karma and Gakushū ate their lunch on the rooftop.

"Packed lunch? Well, that's new." Karma commented.

"My father's finally trying to do something right after all these years, and here I am rejecting it like some stuck-up brat. I feel like a complete asshole, what's wrong with me?" Gakushū uttered out of the blue as he playfully poked his food while he had his cheek resting against palm.

Karma's eyes widened upon hearing those words, he took a few bites off of his egg sandwich to process things before he tried to console him, "Call me cheesy for this, but I honestly think that your feelings and what you're going through are both completely understandable, as per the infamous quote: 'it takes time to heal.' So brighten up, smartass."

Karma smirked as he noticed one side of Gakushū's lip softly curling up. "Thanks."

"Can you give me some of that yakitori though?"

* * *

Everyone already left, which led to Karma wondering as to why the boy from across the room still hasn't moved an inch since they were dismissed. He looked fine earlier.

"How's it?" Karma asked as he sat on Gakushū's desk. He then recalled that they just received their test papers a while back, making him assume that something might be up.

"I got full marks in science..." he told him languidly.

"Great! C'mon? Where's the energy? We should celebrate!" Karma exclaimed, giving him a slight nudge on his arm.

"... but I failed in math." Gakushū continued, his bottom lip now quivering, tears welling up, as the emotions stirred inside his chest uncontrollably with no other outlet but through an involuntary whimper that escaped from his mouth. He then buried his face into Karma's shoulder, his head running wild again, as his entire body wracked and shook with the onslaught of sobs and tears.

He was getting too comfortable at this and it was very uncharacteristic of him. Never in a million years Gakushū once thought that he'd be so open in showing any of his weaknesses to anyone, especially to someone who he considered to be his former rival. But then, he had cried in front of Karma several times already, so what difference does it make anyway?

Karma hugged him, his one hand rubbing him on the back while the other held the math test paper for him to see where Gakushū went wrong. "Oh Gaku, you poor thing..." Karma uttered in consolation before he was finally able to pinpoint Gakushū's mistake, "You almost got everything right but you just forgot to box your answers?" He spoke slowly in clarification.

Gakushū looked up to him briefly in response, his eyes red and swollen, before burying his face back into Karma's shoulders. Now he was crying even harder but Karma couldn't help but laugh at the situation. He tried holding it in but it was no use, he eventually broke off from the hug as he held his stomach and slapped his thigh in laughter.

"What's funny, you asshole?" Gakushū sniffed, rubbing his tears dry as he glared at Karma.

He stopped, catching his breath as he told him with all honesty, "Wow, I'm not even gonna lie but that's like the lamest way to fail a test..."

Gakushū bit his lip at the realization, his death glare at Karma unfaltering, as he looked like he was about to burst into tears again.

"But man, you look so cute when you cry. I like seeing you cry. Is it mean for me to say that?" Karma chuckled softly while he had his arms wrapped around him again. This somehow turned Gakushū's sobs into giggles as he began to accept the dumb mistake he made.

Karma patted him on the back as he further comforted him, the waters were no longer turbulent, "At least now you're back on your feet, it shows that your efforts are finally paying off. Let's go celebrate, my treat."

Gakushū sniffed and rubbed his cheeks dry again before meeting Karma's gaze, "My eye bags look horrible, don't they?"

"No, it looks cute." Karma argued as he placed a thumb on his cheek and traced it gently down to his chin, "You look cute when your eyes are puffy."

"No, I don't," Gakushū averted his gaze, slightly pouting as he openly admitted, "I hate that I'm born with these dark circles under my eyes, it looks even worse when I cry and they make me feel insecure..."

"Okay..." Karma uttered as he began thinking of an alternative, "why don't we go on a movie date instead if you're worried about people seeing you?" He suggested to which Gakushū nodded quietly in response.

He hugged Karma again, "I love you," he whispered while he rested his chin on top of his shoulder, "thanks for making me feel better all the time."

At first, Gakushū felt that it was weak for him to need help, but to hell with pretending to be strong, to hell with false bravados and mediocrity if he knew that all these were going to take a toll on him in the long run. In the midst of it all, he felt grateful for Karma staying by his side no matter how hard he tried to push him away back then.

* * *

They started falling in love in September, but it wasn't until December when the flowers finally bloomed fully. It felt ironic, to say the least, winter was supposed to be the season where all the petals fall off one by one, where all flowers begin to wither and vanish. But somehow, miraculously, by a slim chance, their relationship found its way to sprout against the odds.

A little over an hour later, they were finally seated inside the cinema. Karma had his knees pulled in all the way up in his seat, hugging them as he held a bucket full of barbecue-flavored popcorn. They were watching what seems to be a newly-released American Horror Movie.

"A little scared, aren't we?" Gakushū teased.

"Shut up." Karma spat as he threw a piece of popcorn at Gakushū's face. "I live alone so this is kinda hard for me, you know."

"Mhmm." Gakushū nodded in response as he grabbed a handful from Karma's bucket while he had his eyes glued on the big screen.

Midway through the movie, Karma’s eyes began to wander off to different places out of sheer boredom, "Look at those couple five rows below us, they've been kissing each other every ten minutes and it's too fucking annoying. Like you guys should've gone to a motel, not the fucking cinema." he complained to Gakushū.

Instead of taking this seriously, he poked fun at Karma's annoyance, "Jeez, calm down. If you wanted me to kiss you, you should've just told me, there's no reason for you to be jealous or anything."

It took a few seconds for him to get a response, "God, that was so slick..." Karma laughed as he laid down his head on Gakushū's shoulder and said, "I'm bored, are you? This movie sucks, it's just jump-scares and sound effects with no substance."

"Yeah..." Gakushū muttered as he looked over Karma and ruffled his hair.

Karma purred, "Can we go get some coffee before we go home?"

* * *

They killed some time on the rooftop in some nearby café. It was freezing outside, but the pair didn't seem to bother at all. The smell of hot roasted coffee lingers in the air, accompanied by words unspoken, their drinks slowly running cold with the dreadful silence and the long wait. Although the deformed moon was nowhere in sight, Clair de Lune playing in the background almost seemed fitting, but then again, silence doesn’t always necessarily translate to peace.

"I don't think I'm cut out to become a doctor," Gakushū started, his body leaning forward against the balcony, his elbows propped on the rails.

"You wanted to become a doctor?" Karma asked, his eyebrows raised, as he was preoccupied with stirring his coffee. He then leaned back against the balcony and looked at him, taking a short sip before he continued, "I honestly thought you were going for the engineering route."

Gakushū laughed at him, "Well, I honestly don't think I'm cut out for that either."

"Why are you so hard on yourself?" Sometimes, the words coming out of Gakushū's mouth put Karma in such disbelief. Gakushū was overthinking things too much but he just couldn't bring himself to tell him that directly because he didn't want to seem insensitive or trivialize what he felt, "If it's for you, it's for you... If not, then it's not. It's as simple as that."

"That's the point. How will I know if that thing's not really for... me?" There's this lack of confidence in Gakushū's voice. He wasn't really sure if he should even be voicing out these incessant thoughts that kept him up for countless nights, but it was just getting too... overwhelming for him to keep holding it in. "How do I know when should I stop trying?"

Instead of giving him a definitive answer, a thought popped up on Karma's head as he began to tell a personal anecdote from his childhood.

"I felt that way too... Well, at least once..." He started hesitantly, "I was a track-and-field athlete growing up and at some point, I became obsessed with it because it was my only outlet back then. And I think the sport really suited my personality well because all I've ever done in my life is run away from things," he jokingly added for the sake of some comedic relief, chuckling bitterly before he continued, "But then, I broke my heel cord so I had to stop for some while. After six months, I was able to get back because you know, I wanted to be on the national team badly. And then, it just never happened..." he paused for a while as he tried to internalize things, "when I got back, it just felt like I wasn't good as I was before and... everyone seemed better than me and no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't catch up... I felt so left behind."

"And nothing's more painful than falling under pressure even if you know that you had what it takes." Karma bit his lip at the recollection before he proceeded to tell him, "You know, my aunt once told me, when it's probably too much, trying does more harm to you than good." Now Gakushū's face looked even more crestfallen even though it wasn't Karma's intention to make him feel bad in any way.

Karma then went on to add his own insights about it, "And to be frank, sometimes you just have to face the hard truth that your dreams could only remain as dreams. The thing is though, I don't know if I could ever forgive myself for the things that I didn't do, and for the person I didn't become. So while you still have the chance, just do it... everything will follow through." He then looked at him, "Hopefully."

"For the record, this is only the first time that this has happened to you, right?" Karma clarified before emptying the cup of coffee in his hand, shifting from an emotional tone into a casual one nonchalantly like it was nothing to him.

That was probably too much for Gakushū to take, but he understood what Karma meant and saw through every single line. He shifted his body silently and without him replying, Karma proceeded to talk anyways, "Then I say you should give it a try for the second time around."

"Maybe, I guess..." he finally spoke again.

Karma then cupped his cheeks, as he told him, "Look right into me, you'll become a doctor with or without me. I just know it."

He stood there still, a bit flustered, the background all reduced into a blur while he refused to speak. A storm was brewing in his eyes as they emit an interplay of different emotions overtaking one another.

"How do you know?"

"Because I love you." Karma blurted out in an eclipse of reasoning.

Gakushū let out a breathy laugh in response, his eyebrows knitted in confusion, "That doesn't make any sense."

"Oh, fuck logic. I said what I said."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thanks for reading and let me know what you think about this chapter, I always appreciate your comments. Have a nice day!


	8. Meet Me in 3-E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two lovers traverse back and forth through time in order to find answers about a relationship that came to an abrupt end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this took a long while. I'm very much sorry for the delay but I've just been thinking about the plot a lot. Although I'm not sure if you guys are fond of time shifts, or the concept of moving back and forth through time, because I know it might be confusing. It's just a thing that I do a lot in most of my fics, combining both the past and the future until I'm able to complete the whole picture. This is also the kind of storytelling that piques my interest a lot. Well, to each their own, I guess. I hope you like this one. Also, this is a long chapter and it was so hard for me to proofread, so I do apologize if you encounter any grammatical errors. 
> 
> Note: Majority of those in italicized letters refer to the past.

" _You've been so understanding, you've been so good_

_And I'm putting you through more than one ever should_

_And I'm hating myself 'cause you don't want to admit that it hurts you_

_I know that it breaks your heart when I cry again over him"_

_-Ghostin' by Ariana Grande_

* * *

A twenty-year-old Karma paces aimlessly in his unkempt loft blanketed by dust, the harsh and crisp morning sunlight enters the living room in between intervals of the opaque, jalousie windows. He walks by a huge box of expired cartons of strawberry milk beside the couch as his eyes roam around the supposedly familiar loft he grew up in. Still, everything felt so foreign after so many years.

"Hey, um... it's me." He spoke with uncertainty the moment he pressed 'call,' his voice all coarse and shaky. He doesn't even have a plausible reason to do this, but he just went on with it anyway, just like he always does. "I read the letter you gave to me two years ago... and... now I figured out why you suddenly stopped seeing me since then."

He paused briefly to collate and organize his thoughts, "Look, I don't want to ruin your holidays or anything... and I don't know if you'll even hear this..." he sighed and hugged himself with one arm, rubbing the other as he tried to keep himself warm. His loft has been abandoned for years, and it was his first time coming back. Although he failed to consider both the power and water supply being cut off after being away for so long.

"I uh, I tried reaching out to you online but your name just wouldn't pop up elsewhere... which is totally reasonable because I'm an asshole and you probably don't want to do anything with me..." he continued then laughed in distress before his face suddenly went all blank again. His mood shifting all of a sudden as his lips were now quivering. He felt his chest tighten, his hands going all shaky but he persisted nonetheless, "I don't even know if you changed your number too. Well, I think you probably already did but I'm just... I'll be taking my chances here anyways and hope you hear this so..."

He could almost feel the tears fill up his eyes to the brim, glistening as his voice became even more unsteady.

"By the way, it's Christmas and here I am thinking about you, just like you told me. Since then, I suddenly don't feel that resentful towards Christmas anymore, so thanks for that." He smiled briefly amidst the melancholic atmosphere, raindrops pouring down freely while he walked over to the other side of the room.

"Hey, uh..." He then stopped beside the window and looked up to the ceiling with a sharp breath as he failed to calm himself down, "I just feel terribly sorry for shutting you out for years, I didn't mean to do that." He choked back the tears as he further defended himself, "Believe me... I really didn't mean to do that. We don't have to be friends again, I just... I just want to come out clean and explain things to you so... If you could meet me at the abandoned 3-E building by afternoon next week, that'd be great. Though I'm hoping you're not somewhere far away right now though because... that'd suck." He then wiped his face with his forearm and leaned forward against the wall, "look, I know you hate me and all, I regret all the horrible things I did to you and I just want to see you again, even if it's for the last time around... You don't have to forgive me and all, I just... I really need to see you."

* * *

Meanwhile, a twenty-year-old Gakushū ignores a phone call as he drove through the highway. After a few minutes, another phone notification popped up which tempted him to take a quick side glance to check what it was, and so he did.

He abruptly pressed on the breaks so that he could slowly pull over to the emergency lane.

It was a voicemail... from none other than Karma. He still had his phone number saved in his phone... just in case.

A storm began to brew in an otherwise fine weather. It was -10°C but at least the sun was still out there. The atmosphere inside his car, however, was just downright dismal and somber since he found out what the notification was all about. He froze and stared into oblivion for minutes before he finally decided to press the play button.

" _Hey, uhm... it's me."_ Right after Karma's distorted voice came out from the phone speakers, his hand slowly crept its way to cover his mouth while he tried to hold it all in.

It's him. He just couldn't wrap his head around it. He couldn't believe it was truly him.

" _I really didn't mean to do that."_ As he took every word in, he almost wanted to feel pissed, he almost wanted to bang his head on the steering wheel or punch the window but he couldn't bring himself to do it because that's just not how he truly feels about Karma suddenly barging back into his life with no time for caution. He got through the entire voicemail nonetheless, but being the person that he is, he didn't know what to do next.

Gakushū's hands were trembling as he held the steering wheel tightly, going on full speed while he drove his way back home. He found himself listening to Karma's voicemail on repeat, his breaths gradually increasing in depth and intensity, the accelerometer along with his emotions fluctuating unsteadily before he finally burst into tears.

* * *

_He took note of the unpleasant reaction on Karma's face at the sight of all the Christmas ornaments displayed everywhere. He then remembered how Karma opened up to him about his miserable childhood. With that, he then knew what was probably going on behind Karma's not-so-subtle facade._

_"Think about me." He told him boldly, which Karma didn't expect to hear at all. He then grabbed his hand and held it tightly to snap him out of it. "Every time it's your birthday or Christmas, I want you to think about me instead."_

_Karma immediately knew what he meant, but Gakushū suddenly went doubtful about what he just said. He felt that maybe his words might've come out as off-sounding or insensitive, so he asked Karma, "Is it wrong or selfish for me to say that?"_

_Karma shook his head silently with a soft curl on his lips as he held his hand, "pumpkins for Christmas sounds nice. I'd take that over anything anytime."_

_Gakushū smiled at his response before telling him, "But I hate it when you call me pumpkin. You know it makes me cringe, right?"_

_"Then deal with it, pumpkin." He retorted as he quickly kissed his cheek, leaving Gakushū in utter shock, his heart fluttering wildly. Karma did not just do that in a crowded mall hallway._

" _Relax, no one could've seen that," Karma assured him and smirked off coolly, placing his arm over Gakushū's shoulders, brushing it off as always while they kept walking like nothing happened._

_Gakushū's brows furrowed. There he was again, a doubtful look written all over his delicate face, "How are you so sure?"_

_Karma couldn't help but smile every time he sees him do that._

_"Shhh..." Karma placed his finger over Gakushū's lips to shut him up before kissing him on the forehead. "You ask too much." He told him while he playfully ruffled his hair._

_Gakushū sighed in defeat and finally shrugged it off. He then noticed Karma's eyes wandering off somewhere else, his mouth slightly agape, as if he was in awe. He tried to follow his gaze and chuckled softly upon realizing what left Karma looking so dumbfounded out of the blue._

_Boxes of strawberry milk were on sale._

_Gakushū took the initiative and pulled his hand as they walked over to the storefront. He told him, "go on, get as much as you want. I'll buy you all the strawberry milk in the world if I have to, if it makes you that happy."_

_Karma turned his head sideways and stared at him in disbelief, laughing, "You can't be serious right?"_

_Gakushū laughed back and smiled, "I am dead serious. It's an early Christmas and birthday gift, so go get as many as you want."_

_"I fucking love you." Karma cupped his cheeks and kissed his lips before he ran off inside the store._

_Gakushū found himself smiling foolishly as he had his eyes locked on him and only him, the background falling apart, and the riptide pulling him in deep. He chuckled and whispered to himself, "I fucking love you too."_

_Two bombs with a wet fuse, both of them didn't know any better and their future marred with uncertainty. But one thing is for sure, Karma always leaves everything unfinished and Gakushū is not one to forget that easily._

* * *

The now twenty-year-old Gakushū stopped by a convenience store to go grab some brewed coffee. The moment he entered in, all those tacky Christmas ornaments nearly drove him away only if it wasn't for his acquired reliance on morning caffeine to stabilize his mood for the rest of the day.

_"By the way, it's Christmas and here I am thinking about you, just like you told me."_

_"Think about me. Every time it's your birthday or Christmas, I want you to think about me instead."_

God, he hated Christmas.

He walked through several aisles in search of a snack to go with his hot coffee. That until he stumbled upon the beverage aisle and almost heard his younger self speaking as he caught sight of Karma's favorite drink.

_"I'd buy you all the strawberry milk in the world."_

He probably wasted a minute or two just staring at it. Now he hated Christmas even more. The memories incessantly surging back against his will no matter how hard he tried to suppress them. Well, it was hard for him because he associated and saw Karma in almost... everything.

With that, he quickly finished what he came in for and had his quaint breakfast inside the car. Yesterday was the last day of his clinical nursing internship, and he's just... plainly tired, and now that stupid voicemail made him feel even more exhausted. He'll probably even skip Christmas eve later if he had to.

He hated him. He hated the audacity. Yes, he wasn't obliged to forgive him, but he just hated how he brazenly barges back into his life after Karma shut him out for years. He hated how he thought it was just that easy.

Gakushū looks at himself through the rear-view mirror. He was still wearing his scrub suit. He noticed how he was starting to look more like his father. Not like it was a bad thing, he guessed maybe not anymore. He just wished he had a trace of his mother in his face, he was slowly beginning to forget how she looked like despite keeping pictures of her with him all the time.

He's barely even surviving nursing school right now.

He thought that the burnout he had in high-school was just temporary, a mere bluff. He thought he'd be capable of recovering from it, but then again, he kept reminding himself that efforts don't always translate to intelligence. Unfortunately for him, he could only do so much but come to terms with mediocrity and convincing himself that he was just... average. And soon he graduated high school without any awards to his name. Although he didn't cry nor feel any pain that day because the gradual process of anticipating and accepting his fate for years has prepared him well enough.

He then slumps his back on the driver's seat and reclines it slightly. He lets out an exasperated sigh before reaching for the sandwich resting on top of the front passenger seat.

It tasted horrible.

Now his day has gotten so much worse and it has barely even started. But then, before he even realized, his mind drifted off again elsewhere and forcibly took him back to a time he seemingly failed to forget.

* * *

_"Why does egg sandwich taste better when you make it?" Gakushū asked as he peered over Karma's shoulder to watch him make another batch of egg salad._

_Karma jokingly whispered into his ear, "Because I make it with love."_

_Gakushū nearly dies from cringe, he chuckles and lightly jabs Karma's face out of annoyance while still holding the sandwich in his hand. Because of that, Karma's cheek was now smeared with the egg-mayonnaise spread._

_To get back to what Gakushū did, Karma scoops out a spoonful from the bowl with a devious smirk. Gakushū anticipates this and runs away before Karma starts chasing him across the kitchen, the sound of laughter reverberating throughout Karma's cramped up loft._

_Karma eventually grabs ahold of his wrist and pins him to a nearby wall. "Karma, don't you dare-" Gakushū squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lips in disgust the moment he felt the egg-mayo-filled spoon touch his nose. His pants and shallow breaths gracing Karma's bare neck amidst the tension-filled air, sending shivers down the delinquent's spine. Their eyes were wide open in contrast to the narrow gap between their lips._

_Karma then smiled at him and said, "now we're even." Karma almost wanted to kiss him, but he couldn't believe that Gakushū did it first._

_"So feisty..." Karma whispered behind Gakushū's ear and pinned his other hand to the wall before he returned him the favor, their kiss lasting more than just a second for the first time. At that point, Karma never knew that the person he loved and invested in so much turned out to be somebody else's future. It just never occurred to him once that their whole relationship was a prelude to another without him in it, that he was grooming and preparing him to be eventually somebody else's. Well, to be fair, neither one of them saw it coming._

* * *

Gakushū squished the barely touched, wrapped egg sandwich in his hand and discarded it to an empty cup holder. He then drank his now lukewarm brewed coffee before he started the car and headed back home. He turns on the stereo, "Mad Rush" by Philip Glass played in the background

_"What I like about Karma?" Gakushū reiterated the question, a look of skepticism painted across his face, "Why would you even ask me that? Isn't it the reason that I'm here is that I want to recover from what he's done to me?"_

_"I just need the whole story." His therapist told him before giving a few words of reassurance, "And you know, healing while associating positive things with that person is better than letting all these negativity suffocate you. Look, I'm here to help you have an optimistic outlook in life."_

Clearly, that didn't work. "Optimistic outlook," the twenty-year-old Gakushū repeated out loud and scoffed at the thought while hitting the road at full-speed limit.

" _He's just there all the time..." Gakushū hesitantly started, averting his gaze as he said every word with caution, "He's basically everywhere, but not in an annoying way, no..." Gakushū paused for a while, gauging his response, his voice almost reduced into a whisper. "Well, at first he was, but eventually, he grew on me. I uh... Uhm..." he didn't know how to explain things any further, his gaze was now glued to the ground._

 _"Go on." His psychiatrist urged him_.

_Minutes after dreadful silence, his head jolted up and he was finally able to provide an answer he wasn't certainly sure of. He spoke impassively, "I felt heard for the first time in my life. He made me realize I was capable of feeling what I feel. He's just... there. He doesn't have to do anything to make me feel better, I knew he just had to be there and then I'll be fine..."_

_"Then what happened?"_

_His eyebrows furrowed, looking away as his face went all sullen, his clenched fists resting on top of his thighs. He had a hard time trying to find the exact words, "I think he's blaming me... for what happened to him. And I'm actually beginning to think it's my fault too."_

The twenty-year-old Gakushū quickly terminated his thoughts and tried to focus on the road instead. He simply didn't want to remember what happened after that. He hated how he tried so hard to keep things buried in the past and all it took was one voicemail, for fuck's sake, one voicemail from Karma to undo all his efforts.

He arrived a few hours later and was greeted by his father at the gates, Gakushū rolled down his window.

"Hey, dad." He greeted meekly.

"Oh, Nagisa called me." Gakuhou told him and asked, "Did your phone die?"

Shit. Gakushū's eyes went wide as he discreetly checked his phone, the screen was full of missed-call notifications.

"Yeah, I forgot to charge it before I clocked out. Thanks for letting me know." Gakushū replied and proceeded to park his car in the garage while Gakuhou closes the gates from behind.

Gakushū stepped out of the car and halted as he was about to head inside. He turned back and hesitantly started, "dad..."

"Yeah? What is it?" Gakuhou walked up to him and asked.

"Karma called me today." He told him in diffidence, as if the words coming out of his mouth still remain untrue. 

"Really? What did he say?" Gakuhou calmly asked him back.

"He said he wanted to meet me," Gakushū answered with his head pulled down, cracking his knuckles with one hand before fidgeting with his keys to get the nerves under control. "What should I do?"

"You can meet him if you want. It's still up to you, what do you want to do?"

Cry. He wanted to cry.

"What about Nagisa? Should I go tell him?"

"I'm sure Nagisa would understand."

No. Something just doesn't add up right. Why does it seem that everything is coming off so easily like it's no big deal? Gakushū tried forgetting it many times, but he remembers still. After all, he is not one to forget that easily. "He did it to me first." Gakushū blurted out in a spur of emotions, "He shut me out first." He didn't know what else to say, but his eyes were doing what his mouth has failed to do.

Gakushū looked very distraught and traumatized just like he was years ago and back then, Gakuhou didn't know any better. Parental instincts, after all, were still very foreign to him. But now, without a word, he simply took one step and wrapped his arms around him. God, he hoped he was doing something right. "I know, I know..." he whispered in consolation while rubbing his back. Soon he felt tears fall on his shoulder, Gakushū was crying silently.

He didn't know what else to do from there.

* * *

It was probably three 'o clock in the morning, and Karma sat on his bed wide awake with his legs crossed, facing the window overlooking the city, the faint street lights accentuating his frail silhouette. He couldn't fall asleep and he didn't know why. Well, perhaps not really. For one, he felt anxious for some reason that he doesn't like to acknowledge. Another is that he isn't used to his own bed anymore, the mattress and pillows were all too soft for his own liking.

He counted the remaining lights on several buildings to pass some time, losing all his concentration when he suddenly heard a ding from his phone. He's been waiting for Gakushū's reply the entire day, but why does it feel like he doesn't want to know what Gakushū was going to say? Yes, he's been waiting for his reply for so long, but why did he hope that the text wasn't from him? But then again, he just wanted to get this over with, waiting and guessing for hours has been downright plain dreadful.

He quickly reached for his phone on the nightstand.

Gakushū finally replied to him and said, "Okay."

Karma chuckled sadly as he uttered back the word, "okay." He sniffed as several droplets of tears fall on his phone screen with increasing intensity, covering his mouth and laughing as he repeatedly said "okay" until he laid down on his side sobbing.

* * *

On the other side of the city, Gakushū places his phone back under his pillow, placing his hand on top of Nagisa's that rested on top of his chest. He looked at the boy sleeping right next to him with a frown on his face, kissing him gently on the forehead before he laid in his bed wide awake, his thoughts uncontrollably drifting off somewhere else again.

* * *

_Karma rubbed his eyes, blinking several times until his vision began clearing up. He saw Gakushū sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. He got up slowly and sat beside him. Before he could even speak, Gakushū asked without even looking at him, "Do you still love me?"_

_He placed his hand on his shoulder and was about to respond when Gakushū spoke again, "Why does it feel like you're only here because you pity me or something? Why does it feel that you loving me is becoming more of a chore, like you're being forced to do it?"_

_Karma froze and couldn't believe what he was hearing, he grabbed Gakushū tightly by the shoulder and made him look at him, "Gakushū I... Why would you even think that?" He whispered loudly._

_"I don't know... I don't know... I think you're getting tired of me because I'm too boring for you... I think I'm becoming more annoying to you by the day because... because..." Gakushū whimpered, choking a sob as he buried his face on Karma's chest._

_"No, no... You're overthinking again and it's not good... you remember how I told you to stop overthinking things?" Karma told him, rubbing his back with one hand, and the other caressing his head._

_"That's exactly my point. I think you're getting tired of... this." Gakushū replied, stifling a sob as he sat upright and finally looked at Karma in the eye._

_Karma held his hands, interlocking his finger with his, "I love you." He told him with emphasis on every word. "I love you and that's what it is. I love you because I love you. And no, I'll never get tired of you... ever. You can keep telling me things that keep you up at night or bug you for days and I'll never get tired of it... I'll never get tired of understanding you..."_

_"You won't?"_

_Karma shook his head, "I won't," he told him as he pulled him into an embrace. He rested his chin on his shoulder and whispered to his ear, "I love you, okay?"_

_Gakushū stared at the wall, his face_ _devoid of any emotions throughout the silent downpour, "Okay."_

* * *

_"No, no... You're overthinking again and it's not good... you remember how I told you to stop overthinking things?"_

Gakushū sighed and pulled the sheets up to his chest, Nagisa yawned and shifted her body a little. Gakushū then was reminded again how much of a light sleeper Nagisa was. "You're still awake?" He mumbled.

"Yeah..."

"Why?"

"Nothing..."

Nagisa laid on her side and faced him, "I know that voice and that look on your face..." hetold him as he placed his hand on his cheek and asked, "what's wrong?"

"I just texted Karma back and now I couldn't sleep... I feel like I'm cheating on you." Gakushū hesitantly admitted.

Nagisa laughed, "We've talked about this, didn't we? I told you, I understand and it's completely fine with me..."

Gakushū brows furrowed with a slight pout on his lips, "But I feel guilty about it... I feel like a shitty person for putting you through all... this. You having to deal with my trauma, with you hearing me say his name sometimes when I sleep--"

Nagisa cut him off quickly and held his hands firmly, "Hey... you're not a shitty person, okay? I love you and that's all that matters."

"I love you too..." Gakushū whispered back.

"Goodnight..." Nagisa combed his fingers through his hair and kissed him on the cheek before he tucked himself back into sleep.

"Goodnight..." Gakushū said back before facing the ceiling for nearly an hour, that until he decided to send a text again to Karma and told him, "Happy birthday."

To his surprise, Karma was still awake and immediately replied to him, "You still remember? Thank you."

Gakushū chuckled, turned off his phone, and placed it above his stomach as he faced the ceiling again. He thought to himself, a tear falling from the corner of his eye, "Of course I do, why wouldn't I?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what do you think? I know NagisaxGakushū is sort of an unconventional ship? Well, at least for me personally, because I honestly don't see them fit well together, to say the least? But I do see a lot of NagisaxGakushū fics though and I think they're quite interesting and they do totally work, so I guess... why not ship them together, right?

**Author's Note:**

> From what was supposed to be a one-shot story is now a multi-chaptered one, thank you for the support! <3


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